Usually I get high and eat food while watching HBO, but after last week’s opening with Hanna laid out like a Ponderosa Buffet, I decided to finish eating all my Black Forest gummy bears before pressing play. Luckily, no naked buffet, just another white dude who shaved his head and didn’t get hit with the razor. Of course Marnie doesn’t like your new hair dude, get a shape up and take care of that widow’s peak!
Hanna gets a call back from the clinic and finds out she has HPV. Just when I thought she’d realize that she could now eat at the cool kids table, she gets all emo and totally misses the point that HPV is a rite of passage. Girl, you’ll be a millenial woman soon with this Human Papilloma Virus. I’m pretty sure HPV is what happened when Y2K didn’t; we invented that shit thank you very much. Luckily, Jessa is on the show to tell Hanna that all adventurous women have HPV. We find Marnie making her way through a gallery party lookin’ RIGHT in some red when an older chick that looks like Judd Apatow’s wife tells her that “You’ve got to have a serious case of tall dick.” An artist named Booth appears and the old gossip turns to Booth, who’s dating an Asian woman “You know what I say about men who fuck Asian women?” She never reveals the answer, but I’m mesmerized. This bitch is a total yard sale and I love it. She’s the type of chick who can’t shut the fuck up, but when the stars align and she finally does... she’ll suck the marrow out of your life and lick your balls AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.
We hear Mayer Hawthorne at a bar: very HBO-like behavior. The LES
got Aloe Blacc and Greenpoint got Hawthorne, I guess that’s about right. Proceed! Hanna meets her ex who she believes gave her HPV. I expected her ex to have an eye patch, peg leg, and leprosy, but he looks kinda normal. Does her vagina do back flips beneath all that frumpy Beacon’s Closet shit? I’d rather not. So, we all know Hanna came to talk about two things that are bothering her: the belly situation and HPV. The ex knows exactly where to start and kindly says “You were never fat. You were soft and round like a dumpling.” Amazing, tell us more please. The hit records don’t stop, he’s now dating a dude named Beau, which totally makes sense. I KNEW HANNA WAS A BEARD. Shawty bugs out but is considerate enough to say “What I’m having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and your self-discovery.” Baby girl just grew up in front of us. She was able to mentally suppress her entitled, woe is me, thus me first every time sentiment even if her emotional diaphragm burst in the process and she squirted through her eyes trying to hold it back. It’s ok Hanna, dudes love squirters and HPV. You are having a watershed episode here, remember this moment and play some Gloria Gaynor when you get home.
We find Marnie and she’s getting dunked on by Booth Jonathon.
Marnie has this like, uh, monologue, about how she’s toooottaallllyyy not going to make out with him. Booth Jonathon has seen this blow pop, herringbone, reebok 5411 game before and goes Lex the Impaler on her psyche. “The first time I fuck you, I might scare you. Because I’m a man and I know how to do things.” WHOOOOOOOOOOO, Drogo has died and moved to the 10:30pm slot. Booth Jonathon is every one’s new Sun and Stars and the take away is that REAL MEN fuck Asian Women. Marnie gets totally mind fucked, runs into an empty room, wishes she were a geisha, and fingers herself with the lights on. Go get your wet wipes girl.
Back at the bar, Hanna gets systematically torn apart by the Big Gay Homie. Hanna accuses him of putting on a “fruity little voice”. Our Hero isn’t having it so he quotes every one’s favorite Old Earth, Maya Angelou “We are only as blind as we want to be.” Or, was it black as we want to be? Regardless, Hanna takes it as an attack on her authentic self so her Ex accuses her Dad of being gay on the basis that he has a stud in his ear. Hanna then drops the most pause worthy moment on television this week “He got it on a trip he took with a bunch of his male friends!” For those keeping score, Boys 2, Girls 0, Non-White People 10000000. I have never seen white people this mad at each other outside a Farmer’s Market, it’s fucking great.
Hanna goes home and takes it to twitter. She begins to write “You lose some, you lose some.” Then, “My life has been a lie, my ex-boyfriend dates a guy.” Then from seemingly nowhere this totally uplifting electro drum doo doo bomb drops. I decide to out-millenial Lena by Shazamming the song so that I know what this piece of shit is. My iphone spits out “Dancing On My Own” - Robyn. Presumably some girl anthem about how no one needs dick as long as they have dance. Lies, all lies, Hanna loves dick, she just doesn’t like that said ex dick gave her HPV and then left to take a job at Beau's BBQ. Plus, isn’t dancing just air-fucking? Hanna starts to dance and write “All adventurous women do.” Lena figures that Hanna can OWN her HPV and own her role as a beard by redefining herself as adventurous. Hey, it beats the hell out of that time her ex called her a handsome plump dumpling dressed as a clam digger. You go Hanna, own that HPV ridden vajayjay and D.A.N.C.E.