Tuesday, April 24, 2012

"Girls" Fucking Badly

First, if I was a girl, I’d be kinda pissed that every show that is supposed to define me revolves around dick. Really, every character in Girls has an identity essentially defined by their relationship to dick. Hanna: gets abused by dick. French girl: gets pregnant by dick. Marnie: doesn’t want to see her man’s dick. Uptight Jewy girl: desperately seeking dick (come on, her name is SHOSHANNA SHAPIRO). Mr. Giles once asked “What Means the World to You?” Clearly, Judd Appatow and Lena Dunham answer this existential question with some really awkward white dick.

The episode opens with the most traumatic thing on television these days: Helen on her back not being able to shut the fuck up with her mans on top fantasizing about her as jail bait with a cabbage patch lunch box. He says he wants to cum all over her and send her home to her parents. SON, this is strange even to Japanese people. That sound you heard was the creator of bukkake crying because he has finally been usurped by this Cabbage Patch pedophile. I mean, I like watching helicopter videos as much as the next guy but this is OD. Next we see Marnie with Nip Tucked Vinnie Chase talking about how they should look in each others’ eyes when he cums. Uhhh, why don’t you just sing kumbaya with a shampoo bottle up your ass cause that’d probably make you less of a biscuit. Lena, you want to explore generational speak? Please explain to me why its impossible to find another word besides “gay” to end that sentence with; I’m not gonna say it, but I need new material. I can only call people biscuits and ass burgers so many times. Come to think of it, they should really swap Marnie with Hanna just so we could all laugh when Allison Williams gets sent home covered in cum with a Cabbage Patch lunch box to Brian Williams. That hit record’s for you Lana.

 On her way out, Hanna tries to relive last night’s role play. LET IT GO! Clearly, she doesn’t listen to Dane Cook, not that anyone should, but he has this bit about how dudes blurt things out like “My dick feels like corn.” I’m more of a “My dick feels like bean curd skins” kinda guy, but regardless you get the point, we have no control over this shit. Cook loves how women just roll with the punches, don’t call us out on the Tourettes, and say things like “Gimme the butter baby” or “Would you like some green tea with that?” I usually hate it when people finish my sentences, but who am I to talk? That is definitely my thumb in her ass. Jessa decides to get an abortion.

THIS IS SO GENERATIONAL LENA! YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING IT DEFINING OUR GENERATION AS A BUNCH OF NON CONDOM USING BABY KILLERS! YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO A SCENE MAKING FUN OF JUICY JUMPSUITS, AOL CHAT ROOMS, AND .AVIs CAUSE THEY’RE SO POST-MODERN, WE OFF THAT! GIVE ME UMBERTO AND CAROL OR DIE! KENZO > ANYTHING YOUR TEENAGE MOMS WAS WEARING IN 1995!

 Hanna gets a job interview and aptly identifies the difference between Williamsburgh and Greenpoint. Another superfluously intuitive comment on our generation that I was just DYING for someone to make. I almost OMG’d but my girl was over and she would never let me sit on her face again if I said OMG. “BE A MAN, DO THE RIGHT THING!” - Russell Peters aka the only entertaining Indian person in any medium besides Priya Rai. YOU SUCK AZIZ. But, in a coup Lena is able to drop the name Weather Up into Hanna’s monologue and I like it. What up Matty and Tyler? You guys will be on Eater National tomorrow by 11am. Hanna tells a great date rape joke and doesn’t get her job which is just a set up for another larger statement on how reckless, irreverent, cynical, and nihilist our generation is. BUT, instead of watching this show that prosthelytizes us on what our generation is, you should tune in 30 minutes earlier and watch Veep. A show that is ACTUALLY irreverent, cynical, nihilistic, and written well.

 Fast forward to the free clinic. Shoshanna rolls in with a Dylan’s Candy Bar bag: a dead give away that she believes in unicorns, but doesn’t swallow. Jessa doesn’t show up for her abortion and instead gets finger blasted at a bar drinking White Russians. Marnie gets mad because she planned every thing to be just right and, finally, there is a semblance of good writing when Hanna says “How could she ruin the beautiful abortion you threw? You are a really good friend and you threw a really great abortion.” THAT’S IT, LENA! If you actually have characters that are nasty and foster a healthy anger towards the world in a snarky intelligent multi-cultural way that is logical and irreverent of emotions as well as some aspects of socio-economics because we’ve all heard PJ sob stories but we’ve also read the Other Wes Moore and voted for Obama, then you have a generation defining show. I’m not saying I agree with these sentiments or that you need to try and represent all of them in every 30 minute episode you write, but it kinda encapsulates the culture we’ve been creating thus it probably represents some of the bullshit that we are.

 The show is ill in the fact that it captures how brutally unbearable privileged white women are but its way too self-aware and indulgent in the fact that they are applying old archetypes and tupperware party social dynamics to the free clinic. The show fails because it puts motifs before an actual thesis and openly seeks to be a show we’ve seen before for a new generation. I love Judd Appetow for it because its such a puppeteer move and he’s gonna get paid, but anyone involved who wants to see it as anything more than a calculated show looking to fill the void left by Sex and the City is a fucking liar. 30 Rock says more about our generation as the Thursday replacement for Seinfeld than Girls says about anything. Watch Veep, that shit is setting every thing on FIRE. Liz Lemon was the new Elaine but now Elaine is the new Liz Lemon all over again. I love this game.

3 comments:

  1. Man when these girls live happily ever after (just like they did in SITC)you are going to completely lose your shit.

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  2. Could you please not have your site play music when I visit it. I thought everybody already got the message that doing so was awful and that everybody hates it.

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  3. You on FUEGO.. you're review is SPOT ON. I've watched one episode and I'm thinking ok am I missing something? The writers are trying to hard to recreate something that really never existed. There is and will only be one Sex n the City. This show is more suited for Disney TWEENS. VEEP OMG LOVE It's Office type feel.. I love House of Lies...and of course Bitch Beastie Nurse Jackie. Thank you for Representing and always keeping it real. Sometimes you're too real...but the world needs it..

    Besos

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