Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Girls: Episode 7


All around, this was the greatest episode of Girls EVER. From the intro sequence with Japanese fonts to Marnie getting slapped to Mid-Life Crisis Dad getting stomped out, this shit was INSANE. We'll remember this as an episode where it all came together. The show does well when you get the Girls OUT OF THEIR APARTMENTS!?!?! Why did it take 7 episodes to go anywhere besides an office, an apartment, or a table for 3 with Hanna's parents? Let the bitches breathe!

Where do we begin? Oh yea... The Girls go to a Bushwick party and we hear: GODZILLA BANK ROLLS STONES FROM SIERRA LEONE ohhh, Ghostface on Girls? Yes. This episode was full of songs off Baohaus playlists, but such a white Bushwick thing to make Ghostface the first hip hop track played. Remember in college when white kids played "Aint Nuthin But a G Thang" and it was really cool to break up back to back Incubus songs? Well, that's what the Fishscale album is now. On the other hand, I did like how they played Mark Ronson's "Bang Bang" not exactly random cause of the Winehouse-Ghostface bath and body works pumpkin and spice cream days, but I'll take it. Full disclosure, we're all guilty in our own ways. When in doubt in the presence of a mixed crowd, I play Chromeo. Shoot me. WHAT UP P!

Charlie's band was playing at the party so Marnie goes to say wassup. I hate that. You broke up for two weeks, don't say hi. He's getting on with his life just like she should, but of course Marnie goes to see Charlie because she wants to make sure he's still on the hook. In any other show, the selfish bitch would get her cake and eat it too creating a generation of misguided entitled Samantha and Carrie knock-offs, but it doesn't happen here! The thing I'm starting to love about Girls is that the guys win! The guys win all the time! While Marnie talks to Charlie, this horse whisperer jumps Charlie like a stripper pole and stunts on Marnie. The Horse Whisperer has never heard of Marnie, Marnie loses her shit, then Horse Whisperer asks if she's one of the real houswives. Get a hold of yourself bitch! You broke up with him AND he was still cordial. What do you want him to do hang from rope tied to his dick staring at a poster of you on his ceiling all day?

Every thing exploded this episode and it was amazing. Instead of reprising their roles as pawns in an allegory for another episode, the Girls were set free and no one more than Shoshana. About 10 minutes in, Jessa talks to Charlie's band mate against a wall when Shoshana appears like a shit storm rambling about which girls move to the front of the line, why they move to the front of the line, and how it's crazy hot. She gets all itchy and scratchy, talks about smoking pot out of a stem and then every one realizes SHOSHANA SHAPIRO HAS JUST SMOKED CRACK. I LOVE IT. WHITE PEOPLE SMOKING CRACK ON TELEVISION. LENA DUNHAM I FUX WITH YOU BITCH. Could television get any better? Absolutely not.

At that point, I didn't even care what else happened. They cut to scenes of Marnie trying to tell anyone that would listen about Charlie. There was a moment with Jessa and her Boss. Look, important stories, but NO ONE CARES. We want to see more Shoshana on crack! And then we get it, she's bucking down the street screaming about going to the front of kick boxing class as Charlie's band mate chases her from behind yelling that he's her crack spirit guide. The whole time I'm praying that we get a shot of Shoshana pushing a shopping cart of toiletry items with her hair fried and ripped stockings on, please give me this image Lena!

We don't get that, but we do get Jessa throwing a bottle of wine off a balcony onto a crowd of ABC No  Rio transplants at the party that she calls "crusty". They get mad and say "you can't even describe our subculture correctly" and you realize they're not actually crusty, they're somewhat intelligent people who probably have trust funds and chose to look like shit and attract arguments from people like Jessa, for the sole purpose of unleashing a wave of genius when uncovered! It's a great convoluted plan for someone with way too much time and money on their hands, but Jessa doesn't care and shits all over them "You were born on a dirt floor. It means I don't think you're cool and that your mother was poor." HAHAHA I need that bumper sticker. "You were born on a dirt floor and your mother was poor." Who needs Charlie Sheen when you have Jessa? I hope OkCupid gets a new function for finding "Users Similar to Jessa".

Back to Shoshana. Charlie's band mate finally finds her with her skirt off and flats on. Watching every moment of Shoshana on this show reminded me of the first time I was in some vag. You keep telling yourself, "I'm in! I'm in! I can't believe the vajay has landed." But yes, the messiah has landed and Lena blessed us with Japs on Crack. I mean, this scene could be a Bravo show TOMORROW. Fuck housewives, I want Jap Crackheads of Westchester, Jap Crackheads of Beverly Hills, and Basketball Wife Crack Heads. As I'm imagining this growing empire of crack head wife shows, Shoshana Shapiro pokes Charlie's friend in the eyes, kicks him, and then knees him in the balls for trying to follow her. It is the best fight sequence since last week when Hanna's Dad fought the bath tub with his face. Charlie's friend tells her that Jessa sent him to help her as her crack spirit guide and that's why he was following her so Shoshana finally calms down. Dude clearly feels like shit with his balls crushed so Shoshanna says "I took sports therapy class to meet jocks, but it was mostly Indian girls so I can massage you in a non-sexual way if it will help." You just watched the best 30 seconds of television you will ever see. Enjoy it yall.

Future Sports Thereapists of America Charter Club Members

Hanna's ex-boyfriend slapped Marnie, Tako revealed that Adam was in AA, and Jessa's boss got punched in the face by the poor people who live on dirt floors. I'd tell you about these fantastic things, but it was too much to keep track of. If this was the first episode of Girls, NO ONE would be talking about Game of Thrones. But before I go... Adam took Hanna on a scrapping mission to the Navy Yard because he wanted to build a ship meant to sink. Hanna got all crunchy sitting on the front of the bike and wanted to walk. She told Adam to stop the bike so he did and she went flying like a bag of tater tots and landed flat on her face.

This is the first time the hero in a show gets depicted as a flying heap of trash and we LIKE IT. It is one of the most gratifying moments in the show thus far and if it wasn't clear in the previous 6 episodes, Girls is tearing apart every thing we know about television and getting us to enjoy DARKNESS. It's like playing the don't pass line in craps, except every one is on it. Not even in a Kenny Powers way because we like Kenny and we want him to win, but the way Girls is set up, I want to see Hanna fly off the front of a bicycle. But after she face plants, I can appreciate a Graduate allusion as the send-off for episode 7. Except the back of the bus is updated with two vaginas, a fixed gear bicycle, and a smile from Hanna. Dope shit.

3 comments:

  1. Dude, there's nothing I enjoy more than reading your reviews after watching an episode of Girls. Keep on keepin' on.

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