Monday, June 4, 2012

Girls Episode 8

Lena sets the scene for lucky episode 8 and we see Trojan magnums, cinnamon peanut butter, and children's films playing. Presumably these things are supposed to be enjoyed together. Meanwhile, in the adjacent room Marnie is on Facebook stalking Charlie with no make up on listening to Hanna get smashed. This is rock bottom for white people, cue Eminem.


Now that homie is dating Hanna he has her on the Kanye work out plan running through BK. She crumbles on the streets of greenpoint like stove top stuffing then wants to hit up the ice cream truck. Who gets ice cream after running? That's like working for free, you want the benefits. I mean, who actually enjoys running for the sake of running? Oh, right, fugitives and people in North Brooklyn Running clubs. Hanna and Adam then stare in each other's eyes sharing a cone while Marnie contemplates getting out of her pajamas. She's falling apart and all of a sudden Adam is relationship Yoda dishing out advice like he has taro cards or something.

Hanna/Adam leave and Jesse shows up to drop knowledge on Marnie, "Have you ever noticed when she (Hanna) gets dressed up, she'll like put on a good dress, nice shoes and then do her lipstick and then leave her forehead shiny? It's like you've come this far 'wash your forehead!'"

Cot damn Lena! Wipe your ass, wash your face, it's not that hard! Marnie also explains that Adam drinks milk while taking a shit at the same time and feels bad cause hanna doesn't realize how weird he is since she's never dated anyone normal and not gay. Jessa then tells Marnie you look "gorgeous" stripped down and it's kind of true. Marnie micromanages her image to a point where you can't even imagine a dick in her mouth anymore and that's not fun. She should be so happy to inspire those images in our heads... WHERE IS BOOTH JONATHON at times like this?

Then we see Adam do this monologue that looks like a jailhouse confession or AA sharing moment and I realize that he is basically a really unfamous Eminem with all the angst intact. I could totally see him telling every one he slept with Mariah Cary at some point. The monologue continues and apparently he's rehearsing for a show someone is going to pay for. I hope some Asian woman yelps about it:

"Adam was TOTALLY gross with his revelations about jerking off in 6th grade, smelling like a gerbil, and reading in hammocks. Definitely not eating at THAT restaurant, but he looked Jewish... *sigh* Personal revelation, as much as I hate him, I realize I'd marry him if he started facebook and bought me a horrible ruby that looked like a zit with two white heads on either side. 3.5 stars."


Adam's acting buddy shows up and they argue over a "wigger joke". According to Adam, "every one laughs at the white guy doing the black voice." If every one means white people in Orlando, Florida it's true, but it's really fucking annoying how this joke hasn't died after Malibu's Most Wanted. Die wigger joke, die. It's not funny now, it wasn't funny before, but dancing grandmas are ok if this white kid wasn't mouthing the "n-word".


"I admire your work ethic and commitment to hygiene."(Jessa to Marnie) My love affair with Jessa continues and Marnie finally realizes she's the uptight one. I was always the one to break this to people, but apparently it would have worked better if I was a British bird. Preach Jessa! Cut to Hanna in a shower. Oh god, please no Hanna shower scene. I really can't do this right now, there is a plate of nachos on my coffee table that I'd like to eat. For a second it almost turns into the Psycho shower scene but it's just Adam peeing on Hanna. LOL. Come on, Hanna! It's no big deal, Madonna pees on her feet! 

Jessa and Marnie walk into a bar... A man in a suit buys Marnie and Jessa a drink. He looks 52 and Jessa gets wet. He moves and reveals a 30 year old dude who might have been in Details last month and Jessa's boner goes away, but of course Marnie loves it. She wants the face people conditioned her to love, while Jessa wants her Dad's tennis partner. We get a moment of empty Marnie reflection: "He looks like a boss!" That's not a boss bitch! That's the guy from Bridesmaids. THIS is a BOSS.


Hanna tells Adam how much she loves him in a play even though he doesn't want to do it anymore. He says "I would rather do nothing for the rest of my life than have my name attached to something mediocre." These words make sense and have integrity when you realize it for the first time as a 17 year old, but it's not wassup when you've used it as a cop out for 8 years to do nothing with yourself like the entire cast of Girls. But, that is the genius of it all...

 Bridesmaids Cop from the Bar takes the girls back to his apt and tries to hook up with them both. Marnie wants it, we want it, but with quite possibly the worst "Hey! Listen to my shitty attempts at Girltalk mash-ups with Tuff Gong headphones menage game" we know it's not happening. Marnie and Jessa start hooking up so I reach for the Jergens and a coozie for my dick, but then Marnie spills wine on dude's $10k rug and he bugs the fuck out! WHY LENA WHY? You give us disgusting gratuitous parent sex with Dad's dick on front street, but we can't get a menage?

But, our consolation prize is quite possibly the best white collar Williamsburg gentrifier commentary on Bedford St. "I want to be balls deep in something and I don't even care what it is! No more excluding me Mary Poppins, I want to be part of the group... Do we even know what it's like to work hard? I've been under a lot of pressure, my whole life... to succeed. Daddy didn't buy me this rug, or this apartment, or this nose... It kind of ticks me off coming to Williamsburg after working hard all fucking day in the real world and I see all these stupid little daddy's girls with their fucking bowler hats. And then you come over and you flirt and flirt and kiss and kiss and listen to my music tunes, drink my beautiful wine, and spill it on my gorgeous rug and laugh about it!" Then Jessa shows why she should have replaced Ellen Degeneres on daytime television yesterday: "We're not laughing at your rug, we're laughing at your mash-ups."

Here's the thing. We hate the Girls for how useless they are, but they have a institutional out... They were clearly raised and destined for fake coming of age stories and very real Stepford wife endings. You kind of feel bad for them because they don't have the mental weaponry to make anything of themselves. As for home boy, I've never been the type to get mad at blue balls, WORK ON YOUR GAME. Do some soul searching, work on your obliques, use that abductor machine at the gym that helps with reverse cowgirl stabilization, and STOP TRYING. Girls love to smash when you look like you're in a k-hole with nice shoes on, which makes me think... is it possible that both sides just want the other to shut up and look cute? And if you're a white collar dude complaining about stress and wanting others to work hard like you: SHUT THE FUCK UP. You chose to work your ass off for $100k and some soma. You're life sucks but you're the only one to blame. The "Girls" suck too, but if I was their Dad, I'd prefer them to wear bowler hats and men's shoes so dudes like me don't impregnate them. I'd rather someone like you who has nice rugs and a permanent address we can report for child support.

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