Monday, June 20, 2011
I should have done this a long time ago. Top Chef is doo doo on a stick compared to Game of Thrones, but you already knew son... This ain't TV, it's HBO, POW POW POW.
In comparison to the other HBO shows, I'd say it goes something like this:
1) The Wire
3) Eastbound & Down - comedy genius
4) Game of Thrones
5) Curb Your Enthusiasm - although admittedly, in bad taste, I do like Entourage more... I'm trashy.
If you watch true blood, you're a bird. That show is straight garbage, but on to the finale. It starts with a giant knife drippin' with Stark's blood and the executioner picks up his head. Sansa faints and hopefully she knows her gold digging, king sweatin' ass, killed her pops. But Stark is a retard too. Parents shouldn't let 15 year old girls run them. Otherwise, you end up with a whole lot of shit from Forever 21 and your head cut off.
"Daddy just confess! Joffrey says he'll go to prom with me!" First of all, Joffrey is most likely an in-bred retard cause his mom is fucking her brother. What kind of game is that? Oh right, they're from the South. I get it. HBO should have the Lannisters wear high waters and dress Joffrey like Huckleberry Finn next season and then have Bubbles play Jim.
This Jester sings a shitty song and Joffrey cuts out his tongue. If Big Pun was alive, this would be a great job for him. He could just post up on MTV sets and anytime there's a shitty act like the Black Eyed Peas heads roll. I would love to see Pun execute Will I Am. He ruined Black History Month with that bullshit Super Bowl performance but luckily Usher Jesus came to save us all. Ursher 3:16.
After punishing the Jester, Joffrey takes Sansa for a walk. I thought, where could he be taking her?
2) The Mall
3) Free Clinic
But no, none of the above, he's taking her to see her dad's head on a stick. Romantic! I mean, what girl doesn't spring a leak for that? Not only does he make her look at Stark's head, he shows her some of her other homies dead and has a dude smack the shit out of her two-time. What the fuck kind of date is this? I mean, if this works, let me find out, but even Drogo thinks this is OD. TLC, Joffrey, TLC. You can't just go hammer all the time.
Something goes off in Sansa though. While Joffrey was tryin' to steal her mind, pushing her to the brink, she like mentally popped her cherry and turns dark. I like your style. Without having real ninja sex, she somehow crossed the threshold. She don't want to be on the bottom no more. She wants to get smashed from behind with her hair pulled out, but before all that, she would like to push Joffrey off a bridge. POW POW POW, do it girl! You'll be a woman soon.
Now, we see Rob's Army and they argue about which King to pledge allegiance to. No one can agree and then the big belligerent lord from the North gets up and says that Rob is King of the North. I'm feeling this maneuver. It doesn't matter who is in succession. Kill the Lannisters and sit yourself on the throne. The Lannisters are like Southern Crunk. They're loud, got golds, got lil' peoples, but Tyrion Lannister, Lil' John, and Lil' Wayne weigh a combined 100 lbs. You can't win with an army of Lil dudes even if Nicki Minaj got a tank for an ass. But, if I was Rob, I'd be smart, let the Baratheons and Lannisters lump each other up, while you sit around hitting Jamie Lannister with rocks. Play the barbarians against themselves. I would drop a Sun Tzu video here, but that dude is really slackin' on his social media game and has no youtube videos.
At this point, I'm thinking to myself, WHER THE FUCK IS MY SUN AND STARS? DROGOOOOO!!! Instead of Drogo, we see the Queen w/ some gigolo. Pause, fast forward. She finds out Jamie is captured. Her vagina cries. Papi Lannister finds out too and realizes he fucked up. He should have listened to the imp all along. That dude is the smartest in the show. So, they make him Hand of the King and he goes to send home the child king. I hope they kill Joffrey themselves. The casting of Joffrey is perfect though, he's so fucking unlikeable. It's like HBO went to every Hollister in the world and found the most annoying cashier, Joffrey, then made him King. Hollister, lannister, same thing. I see the underlying message HBO: Shop at the Gap if you like the Starks.
Yea, that white boy in the red shorts was Joffrey 6 months ago. FINALLY! DROGOOO. You alright son? What's really good? How you been? We still gettin' money? We finally see Base God and he's a fucking vegetable! This dude just staring off into the sky. It's like watching Bo Jackson shatter his hip against the Bengals NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why all the real homies gotta go out like that?
I can't even focus on the rest of the show I'm so throwed... Tears. This dude was the realest since kumbaya now he just stuck. Who gonna show the lil duns how to live the Drogo Life? This dude was a better role model for me than Obama. Tearin' throats, vaginas, pourin' gold on people's heads and shit. You can't learn that shit in school dun. This that real street shit.
Snow leaves the wall and I support that decision but that stupid fat kid gets in the way like a bumbling scared retard and Snow changes his mind to go fight zombies. Dude, you get no conjugal visits, your best friend is Angus and your brother is going to war. Fuck the wall.
Then, we get more Drogo. He's laid up in bed with Khalisi just cold staring. She tries to wake him up, but instead goes for a pillow. Oh hell no... stop right there bitch, I haven't given up on this man yet. But she doesn't listen, Drogo dies... I cried.
But the show must go on. Khalisi builds a giant offering joint with Drogo wrapped up on a wooden loft that would go for about $2000 a month in Williamsburgh. But that isn't enough, she also wants to sacrifice dragon's eggs that could support her for the rest of her life. On top of that, she puts the witch in the fire, which is cool. As everything starts to burn, Khalisi loses her mind... She walks into the fire. I have no idea where this is going.
The next day, we see a lot of ashy barbarians. Either they were all free basing last night or they camped next to a giant bon fire with people in it. We see a naked chick slumped over. Her clothes have burned, but the nipples are medium rare, slightly pink with a cool center. I'll take it. She sits up and what do we see? DRAGONS. Yes, mother fuckers, Khalisi is officially the hardest white chick in the history of white people. I've seen pussy that can do back flips, I've seen pussies that squirt, but pussies that bear dragons? This is some next shit. I can't wait till next season, but until then, I'm hoping there are some porno parodies of this show. It's too perfect. Here are some great titles:
1) Drogo the Impaler
2) Khalisi - 5 Hours of Fire Breathing Vaginas
3) The Lannisters Present: Southern funk, is that your sis?
4) Midget Partying ft. Tyrion Lannister
5) Sasha Grey Does the White Walkers
One more time for my man Drogo, I know you in the sky just fuckin' shit up. Till Conan the Barbarian, this one is for you big homie...