Wednesday, January 16, 2013

GET A FREE BAO TOMORROW!


PRE ORDER HERE: https://ganxy.com/i/71174/eddie-huang/fresh-off-the-boat

ALSO, CHAR SIU BAO debuts tomorrow and you can get that as your free bao.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Girls Season 2: Ep 1


This was your classic first of the season catch up episode with one twist...

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BLACK PERSON!



Yes, yes, Lena has blessed Girls Season 2 with the brother from Bro Rape. I'm very excited even though he's perpetuating that stereotype that black dudes will date anything that has pink nipples even if it looks like stuffed cabbage with a mustard gravy blouse she bought at Buffalo Trader Joe's.

Last week, I went with a friend to sell clothes at Buffalo in Williamsburg. It was fucking hilarious watching people bring clothes for sale that looked like they pooped in them. Like, hey, this isn't designer, this isn't even forever 21, this isn't even defective Polo from Marshall's, but I did have a fish taco accident in it. You want? If you're bored this week, get blazed, get a powerade zero (cause we off them carbs after 3pm, thanks Oprah), and go laugh at people trying to sell clothes they pooped in.

As the show opens, we see Shoshanna exorcising her room of all that clam juice from season 1 when she busted it open for Ray. No lie, Ray is my favorite person on Girls. I feel like in season 3, Lena will reveal that Ray grows up to be Jerry Seinfeld and that Adam gains 200 lbs, loses his hair, keeps every thing from season 1, 2, and 3 in the same wallet and becomes George Costanza. But before we leave Shoshana's room, we see that stupid fucking Keep Calm, Carry On poster. You live in New York Fucking City and you can't find a better graphic print to put on your wall? You could have got this hot shit from Pho Banc!!!


I would much rather hook up with a girl that had a poster saying VIETNAMESE HAMS ARE NOT FOR RESALE!!! on her wall. ESPECIALLY IF EVERYTHING ON HER WALL WAS IN CAPS.

Then we see Marnie: she has lunch, her boss name drops Tom Sachs (SUP HOMIE!), then she lays her off... then Marnie has lunch again with her mom. Man, white people RUN lunch. I can never get away with two lunches and I bet Childish Gambino never gets to have two lunches in one episode this season.

BUT IF YOU MOUTH BREATHERS PRE ORDER MY BOOK THEN I CAN GO ALL M.I.A., EAT TRUFFLE FRIES, AND HAVE 88 FUCKING LUNCHES THIS YEAR! PLEASE BELIEVE I WILL NEVER TELL YOU MY GOAL IN LIFE WAS TO BE A POOR SRI LANKAN REVOLUTIONARY. MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO EAT TRUFFLE FRIES WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES AND I WILL SHOW TRIBUTE TO MY RACE BY INSTAGRAMMING SAID LUNCH AND THEN YELPING THE RESTAURANT LIKE MY USER NAME IS TWINKLE-TOE-MSG888. YOU ALREADY KNOW: ELITE YELPER SINCE 2008 FUCK WHAT YA HEARD SHE'S AN EXPERT CAUSE SHE MAKES DUMPLINGS AT HOME AND HER BOYFRIEND SAYS THEY'RE DELICIOUS BEFORE HE GREEN TEA CREAM PIES HER AT NIGHT. #BADGUYSHIT

Marnie's Mom makes Marnie uncomfortable at lunch because she's all sexually liberated sleeping with cater waiters and shit. I hope NY Magazine asks this question: "Are Cater Waiters the New Nick Cannon?" I guess if I was an independent, sexually liberated, old bird that had money and thus no need to ever wash another man's wok... I would sleep with cater waiters and couriers from Kenan & Kel. #Feminism #ItsAlive



Poor Marnie... Her Mom's out there fucking any 21 year old with a stack of black napkins and shrimp cocktail, but she hasn't been mashed out since season 1. Lemme know if you wanna ride the Bang Bus, Marnie, I know people who know people.

Lena and Elijah decide to throw a house party. Nice way to just get every one together and tie up this set-up episode. I figure it's all downhill from here and BANG. The absolute best moment of Season 2 so far. Shoshanna air Dj'ing with a dixie cup on her ear and then Shoshanna karaoke'ing Sean Kingston "Beautiful Girls" to herself muttering "suiciiiidal, suuuuicidal".



"DAMN ALL THESE BEAUUUTIFUL GIRLS, THEY ONLY WANNA DO YOU DIRTY... THEY'LL HAVE YOU SUUUUICIDAL, SUICIDAL, WHEN THEY SAY ITS OOO-VER." - The GOD Sean Kingston

And it's at that moment with Sean Kingston dropping knowledge and Hanna dropping draws that I realize... Black dudes and The Kid Mero had it right all along!!! WE SHOULD ALL BE DATING UGLY WHITE WOMEN (mero wife fly FYI). They will hold pans for you to pee in, bring you food, pain killers, and buy you TVs from best buy WITH THE MOTHER FUCKING INSURANCE. I reminisced on all those high school mall dates where I tried to steal girls shit from piercing padoga and they were like "PANDA, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BUY IT." And I was all DMX like "WHAT? .. YOU BUY? ...WHAT? WHERE MY DOGS AT?... COME ON!"


YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE WHITE WOMEN? CAUSE THEY THE ONLY WOMEN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN STILL AFFORD TO BELIEVE IN LOVE AND I TAKE THEM TO THE FUCKING BANK. I LOVE ME A WHITE CHICK THAT LOOK LIKE A WALKING BODEGA HOT BAR. FUCK ME THEN PAY ME!


IM TAKING THE J/M/Z TO BUSHWICK RIGHT NOW TO FIND SOME UGLY FAKE BROKE ACTUALLY WEALTHY WHITE WOMEN! COME ON! X GON GIVE IT TO YOU!



P.S. this whole post is a lie, i bought my girl a dress from wang last week but u can't be mad, i was in the bang bus and ma didn't say anything... silence is an alexander wang dress: COME ON! ARF ARF ARF!