Monday, December 2, 2013

MONICA MONROE

I STARTED THIS LINE MONICA MONROE FEATURING VERSATILE FABRICS FOR SAVAGE MEN TRYIN TO SPREAD BENIGN HPV. MY INSPIRATION FOR THE LINE IS THAT PEOPLE ARE SO INDISCRIMINATE WHEN TALKING ABOUT HPV. THEY SO RECKLESS LIKE "HPV CAUSES CANCER". NO IT DOESN'T. MY PARTICULAR BRAND OF HPV IS ETHEREAL LIKE ROSE WATER. SO I DESIGNED A LOT OF CLOTHES THAT I WOULD WEAR ON DATES WITH WOMEN I FEEL ARE CONNOISSEURS OF HPV LIKE PEG BUNDY, FRAN DRESCHER, SUZANNE SOMMERS FROM STEP BY STEP, MONICA LEWINSKY, MARILYN MONROE, AND ROBIN GIVENS, UNIVERSALLY KNOWN AS THE FOREMOST EXPERT ON BENIGN HPV STRAINS. SHE LIKE THE WINE SPECTATOR OF BENIGN HPV... YEA, YEA, THAT'S 99 POINTS RIGHT 'CHERE. I SEEN HER WALK OUTTA THE FOREST AT A BBQ ONCE AND WAS LIKE "I DETECT HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK. THAT HPV WAS SLAMMIN."

RIGHT NOW WE ARE TRYING TO GET THESE VERSATILE FABRICS INTO ROSS, BUT THEY BE HATIN CAUSE TOO MANY TAIWANESE PEOPLE MAKE CLOTHES RIGHT NOW. THEY SAID I SHOULD HOLLER AT TJ MAX, BUT I WAS LIKE, YO, HOV DEADED TJ MAX WITH 3 KINGS. HOPEFULLY IF ENOUGH OF YOU NINJAS ASK FOR MONICA MONROE AT ROSS, MY DREAMS WILL COME TRUE. I'M JUST A SQUIRREL IN THIS WORLD TRYNA DESIGN CLOTHES FOR IDEAL MEN LIKE AL BUNDY, FLAMA BLANCA, THE DUDE, AND GRIMACE FROM MCDONALD'S. I WOULD LOVE TO DRESS GRIMACE FROM MCDONALD'S. HIS SKIN TONE IS PERFECT FOR 3-WAY STRETCH SPANDEX SNAKESKIN. EGGPLANT IS THE NEW BLACK MOTHER FUCKERS.

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO ABOUT MY DREAMS AND AMBITIONS. HERE IS THE MONICA MONROE SPRING 2014 LOOKBOOK FEATURING FAT JEW, MIKAELA WILLIE, ZEREN LONDAH, AND JR ALBA. IT WAS SHOT BY THE GORGEOUS JON SNYDER. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND JON SNYDER PHOTOGRAPHY. HE HAS CHANGED MY ENTIRE OPINION OF PHOTOGRAPHY, FASHION, WHITE PEOPLE, AND PORTLAND. NOT PORTLAND, OREGON, BUT PORTLAND, MAINE. IT'S DEFINITELY THE BETTER PORTLAND.

LOOK AT THIS SCRUMPTIOUS GENTLEMAN DRESSED LIKE HOBBES
CIARA "RIDE" THE REMIX
YEA, YEA, JUST LIKE THAT BEATLES SONG HE WANNA HOLD UR HAND BOO
DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
MY PHONE DIRTY, MY BALLS CLEAN, IM BOWLIN DIRTY, BUT HPV CLEAN
WHAT UP JR AND ZEREN FROM BAOHAUS!
AMURRICA, BACK 2 BACK CHAMPS
ZEREN GOT BEAUTIFUL HANDS. ROB RYAN TRIED TO MAKE VIDEOS OF THEM.
JESUS BOWLS! JESUS BOWLS WITH ME, WITH ME, WITH ME!
OOOoooOOOO KILL EM
FOR THIS PHOTO WE TOLD THE KING OF BRUNCH TO ACK LIKE HE JUST TOUCHED SOME KID'S GOODIES AND HE WAS LIKE "YOU WANT THAT SENSE MEMORY FLOW?" AND THEN HE GAVE US STATUTORY STEEL. DUDE IS A FUCKING MAESTRO WITH THE PEDOPHILE SENSE MEMORY.

Monday, November 25, 2013

WHAT IT DO?


I have neglected this blog for a minute, but sometimes it's the right place at the right time.

There's a lot of things I want to address on Fresh Off the Boat, but because it's a short format video, the issues we take on leak over sometimes. We did our best this episode and I'm happy, but I wanted to hit on a few things in case they don't come clear. I mean, it's thanksgiving, make sure the juice runs clear.

When we were in Russia, I couldn't hear what the guests were saying on the side when I was eating hot dogs, drinking vodka, or hanging with Philochko. People will smile to your face, play along, and put on a show when cameras are out. That's what we try not to show you. We would never waste your time on an act. Yet, we almost got caught this time. The "actors" in part 1 of Moscow were really good, but the GOD Christopher Velona had the audio rolling and it opened our eyes.

It was one of the first times we got back in the edit, saw footage and then had fundamental changes in how we viewed the trip. When I heard what they were saying on the hot mic, I couldn't let it go. The shit they were saying about Philochko was that insidious racism that you hear at house parties, "amongst friends", or in locker rooms. That bullshit that people think is OK, but it's not. We usually are very courteous to guests and make sure to represent their views unadulterated and as they see it. We are there to capture their perspective, but this time it didn't match up. The things they told us about themselves and their country could not be reconciled with the things they said to each other when they were off camera and I chose not to protect them. That ignorance doesn't deserve protection because because it shouldn't fucking exist.

But, I wanted to be responsible. I met a lot of people who didn't smile in Russia, but I met a lot of people who did. I met people who were racist towards African-Americans and derogatory towards gays, but there were people who weren't. Moscow is like any other place and we can't let the bad apples give us a skewed picture. Was it at times a sad place? Absolutely. But there were really good fucking people and I wanted to make sure that a clandestine conversation caught on a hot mic didn't disproportionately represent the city.

Yet, we have to show it. We don't enjoy it, we don't indulge in it, and I really don't address it in the summation because it's not a complex issue. It's wrong. There's nothing else to it. There is no way to shashlik that shit besides understanding its wrong. Now, Philochko was a victim of racism on the show and in Russia. People say sideways shit about him all day, but I wanted to also address how he's part of the problem. American racism is a unique brand, ebonics is in many ways a regional dialect, and you can't just transport the African-American experience like it's stoli and tell people to mix it with soda. This shit is MUCH deeper than rap and it's something I know I'll never fully understand because I did not live it. But I know enough to say that you shouldn't enable people to use the n-word and appropriate ebonics for comedic purposes. It's a huge tangled web and people have addressed the n-word in crucibles much hotter than Fresh Off the Boat. We didn't go to Moscow looking to address it, but it found us and we did. Sometimes a story finds you and you do the best you can. Happy thanksgiving mother fuckers.



Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Me & Scalia Down By the Police Station



I have never, ever, ever in my entire life cheered for Reggie Miller, enjoyed an Incubus song, or agreed with Justice Antonin Scalia. Reading cases as a Cardozo student at the Innocence Project, I frequently thought about sewing Scalia's bunghole closed and then feeding him copies of the Bush v. Gore decision until he pooped recycled paper through his nose. Son is constantly justifying decisions by looking at his stupid WWFFD (What Would Founding Fathers Do) friendship bracelet, but fuck my life sideways in the ear with Monsanto Corn because I finally agree with him today regarding Maryland v. King...

This is a CRIMINAL PROCEDURE case weighing the public benefit of solving cold cases vs. your constitutional 4th amendment rights guarding against search and seizure. We all want cold cases solved, but at what cost to society and your individual rights? This isn't just swabbing your cheek. This decision is saying that without a warrant, without a conviction, and merely probable cause for a felony arrest that the government can take my genetic blueprint and put it in a database. Justice Kennedy kept talking about how a DNA swab is like finger printing, how it can be used to identify the person in question at the station, and without even addressing how ridiculous that notion is considering that it takes months to upload DNA evidence to a database; let's address another one of his "notions" i.e. the practicalities of law enforcement today.

Doggy, I'ma tell you about the PRACTICALITIES OF OUR GOVERNMENT. Over the weekend, someone stole the letter grade off the door of Baohaus. So, Evan went down to the DOH to get another letter grade to post. You know what they told us after waiting for 3 hours? "We looked all over but we can't find the box with the letter grades right now." THESE MOTHER FUCKERS CAN'T PROPERLY LABEL AND STORE LETTER GRADES FOR RESTAURANTS! We're supposed to trust them with our DNA? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! My DNA is gonna end up on World Star and not because I threw a milkshake on the screen watching TWERK FAILS but because of GOVERNMENT FAIL.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Not To Be Sold

Sup Based Fobs... It's been a minute since I wrote on this blog but we back. I gave this talk in Melbourne at #Carbon13 yesterday. I'm not an expert on the economy. I'm just a dude that reads the NYT, watches Rachel Maddow, Alex Wagner, reads Franco Berardi, and fux with Jon Stewart. This is all shit that's readily available and full of knowledge darts. But watching the news the last year, I started getting the same exact feeling I had in law school all over again. It's useless to complain about our representatives or put my hope into some dudes who are too pussy to resist lobbyists, private interests, and the machine. We don't enact laws that need to be enacted because of private interests and filibusters. Then when we do enact half-assed laws with blunt instruments, those laws aren't equally administered. There are even fools trying to rig the NYC Mayoral election over meatballs in the Bronx.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy


We can only trust ourselves because all these representatives are for sale. Yet, that sentiment leaves us with fear. We don't want the responsibility because duty without a way out makes you feel powerless. The tax code in 2011 had 72,000+ pages. HOW DO YOU GRAPPLE WITH THAT? You kind of can't, but I want people to know... Despite the mountain of fucking wizardry these assholes have cast over our political system, we can make a difference. We've seen it with kickstarter, reddit, wikileaks, digital gravel, baohaus, and any other grassroots movement that used their platform to do something about the way our world is headed.

We are the future and we got to get this shit right. I can't sit here and crack jokes about roors and bang bus like shit is sweet. If our country keeps heading the way it is, there may not be a bang bus and I'm just not ready for that life. Am I really just a narcissist, cause I wake up to vids of Ava's tits?

(if hyperlink doesn't work above here it is from FORBES)

(This is link for video from ABC Nightline)








Friday, March 22, 2013

TED TALK LEAKED



THANK YOU @TEDLEAKS on @YOUTUBE

Monday, February 25, 2013

Thank You Based FOBs



JADA, WE MADE IT.



(apologies to every one for Chef Creole's Swag Shirt and constant use of "baby" but trust he a good dude despite the axe body spray vibrations)

1 season, 5 episodes, 15 parts... THANK YOU BASED FOBs FA YO SUPPORT.

It means a lot that yall rode for a show that didn't rely on food porn, voice over, celebrity guests, and the constant proliferation of dominant cultural beliefs. You watched a man slaughter a rabbit. You watched sex workers. You watched betel nut girls. You watched a short, fat, chinaman feed himself until he looked like a jeremy scott bao.

And all the while, you debated in the youtube comments about the issues. A lot of you just wanted to call people chiggers, but those people aside there was a lot of real conversation and it means the world that you mofuckers engaged the show. I hope you guys continue to engage this show and every thing else you see as well. The conversation is what we did it for.

I can tell a lot of you were receptive to flipping things like porn stars, stinky tofu, and food television on its head to see what the other side had to say. A lot of times we don't get the full picture from today's media but the internet is enabling us to actually tell the stories ourselves. To anyone who doesn't fuck with mainstream media and the news, you have no excuse. Get a camera, get your Pretty Indian Producer, get your Italian-Cuban Camera Crew, throw your boy from Santa Barbara into a 10 square foot ply wood edit suite, and tell the story yourself. We have the power to tell stories ourselves. Vice obviously paid for this show, but you can literally report on the things in your neighborhoods with one digital camera and a laptop. You have a duty to tell the world what's going on in your hood and counter the poison they're filling our brains with. No one is going to change the world for you. Do it for yourself.

Once again, thank you for your support, cop the book, and we'll see you for Season 2... Play my music bitch!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Jake Davis #ScreenTests



Peep my homie Jake Davis blog! This dude capture all the dramatic angles b. Aiiiiiiiiiiiite

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Girls Season 2: Ep 2 by special request @mislat


THESE ARE NOT POLO SHIRTS AND THIS IS NOT A RECAP... I'm going to cover 2 scenes in episode 2: Hanna x Dive Dating x Fetishization and Marnie x Pretty People Haters

Marnie is an amazing interviewee. She's sharper than most people interviewing her, yet, she's aiming so low with her life. We all know these people... You have no idea why they take dead beat desk jobs or play assistant to so-and-so going nowhere editor at fill-in-the-blank dinosaur hip hop magazine when you know damn well said assistant should be the editor.

Marnie goes through the motions in interviews, humors potential employers with lines like "yea, she's not very good at living" and you just want her to flip the table over onto the sidewalk, step on gallery owner's head, and force them to hand over their business like it's Johnny Fontaine's freedom. #LucaBrasi #OfferYouCan'tRefuse

But Marnie ends up doing something more realistic, predictable, but still POWERFUL. She gets a "pretty person job" and I fucking love it. She's getting $400 a night to be a hostess. There are attorneys and doctors that make less. It's one thing when men "gaze" on women and frame their sexuality but it's another for a woman to take it, control it, and own it themselves. Is that what being a hostess is? Probably not. It's not a power position. It's at times a degrading position especially knowing what you're selling, but in my mind it's about what you do with the money. It's a tricky dance, but real boss bitches get paid. SUP LISA ANN AKA THE OTHER SARAH PALIN! SUP SARAH PALIN! I mean, for real, wasn't Sarah Palin basically campaigning for a "pretty person" job? And didn't she lose her power when she lost control of the messaging? If she had used her sexuality and won the office of vice president, it's a win. But, to do reality shows, to do fluff appearances, to do Glen Rice, those aren't "power moves" so to speak. If you control your identity, your integrity, and your messaging, SELL IT short term, but you have to evolve.

Jamaicans sell tank tops with holes in them.

Nigerians sell bubble guns.

Young pretty fly NY chicks sell titties at the hostess stand.

Society sucks. It forces you into these boxes but you have to use what you have to get out.

I sold shirts on the 6-train, I sold porno on 3.5" diskettes, and I sold buns, but I never ever let myself get satisfied. I never took on the mentality of a mother fucker selling buns. I told myself I was a boss and that standing by a steam table selling buns was a short term thing. I was paying dues. No matter how many people told me to stand in a kitchen, I ignored it wrote the book, did the show, and got out. So fuck anyone who thinks Marnie's selling out getting a "pretty person" job. I hate these entitled peons who have the luxury of not taking shit jobs and then clown people who HAVE to take them to come up and pay their bills. #HustleHard

Athletes are revered in our culture and they use their bodies. What's the difference? The difference is that society drew a line at using your bodies for sport, but not sex. Yet, you have to ask yourself in a Partriarchal society why that line is there? Probably cause women could run the world if they withheld the punani... I digress. North Brooklyn Dive Dating and Fetishization of Dangerous Black Men... Leygooooo!

...

The conversation between Hanna and Childish Gambino is fucking amazing. To anyone that thought Sex in the City was ground breaking, please, this show is doing to Sex what The Wire did to the Sopranos when it came out. Girls goes beyond the world that lives within the black box and grapples with the issues cable wants us to believe don't exist. Conversations about dating that are forced to circulate within the margins of faux-post-racial America are fucking useless.

I honestly can't stand Childish Gambino's character on Girls just like I can't stand Hanna but it's fucking perfect. These people exist. Black republicans = They OUTCHEA MANG and they have as much of a right to their shit opinions as the rest of us. Black, yellow, brown, Cuban Republicans, I see you, I don't fuck with you, but yall have as much right to your opinion as I do. To tell someone they should align with a party, opinion, or view point because of the stigmas attached to their skin is bullshit. You have no idea what people went through and any attempts to distill that experience based solely on skin is futile.

Hanna in episode 2 is quite possibly the most despicable character I've ever seen on a screen and it's genius. She's this Oberlin educated liberal white chick who thinks she's down because she "read" about it. The most obnoxious quality in a human being is the inability to recognize when you don't know; that's Hanna. The reason why Girls is so infuriating is because there is an absence of "white guilt". I love white guilt; it's cultural chlorine ridding the social pool of over zealous white know-it-all-ism. And, it's beautiful to see how out of balance conversations in this generation go when a self-absorbed, entitled, white chick like Hanna feels personally slighted and forgets to put her white guilt hat on. It is impossible to communicate with white people without the presence of guilt.

At the crux, that's one of the core through lines in Girls. Most people from dominant culture acknowledge the need for guilt as being drivers in the cat bird seat of the world's foremost super power. I have guilt when I go to Taiwan, I have guilt when I go to the hood, I have guilt when dealing with employees for the simple reason that I'm in a position of power. With great power comes great responsibility and one of those responsibilities is to carry guilt.

I'm out...

For the record, I didn't want to recap this episode cause I felt it was perfect, but shouts to @mislaT for making me recap the ep!!!











Wednesday, January 16, 2013

GET A FREE BAO TOMORROW!


PRE ORDER HERE: https://ganxy.com/i/71174/eddie-huang/fresh-off-the-boat

ALSO, CHAR SIU BAO debuts tomorrow and you can get that as your free bao.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Girls Season 2: Ep 1


This was your classic first of the season catch up episode with one twist...

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BLACK PERSON!



Yes, yes, Lena has blessed Girls Season 2 with the brother from Bro Rape. I'm very excited even though he's perpetuating that stereotype that black dudes will date anything that has pink nipples even if it looks like stuffed cabbage with a mustard gravy blouse she bought at Buffalo Trader Joe's.

Last week, I went with a friend to sell clothes at Buffalo in Williamsburg. It was fucking hilarious watching people bring clothes for sale that looked like they pooped in them. Like, hey, this isn't designer, this isn't even forever 21, this isn't even defective Polo from Marshall's, but I did have a fish taco accident in it. You want? If you're bored this week, get blazed, get a powerade zero (cause we off them carbs after 3pm, thanks Oprah), and go laugh at people trying to sell clothes they pooped in.

As the show opens, we see Shoshanna exorcising her room of all that clam juice from season 1 when she busted it open for Ray. No lie, Ray is my favorite person on Girls. I feel like in season 3, Lena will reveal that Ray grows up to be Jerry Seinfeld and that Adam gains 200 lbs, loses his hair, keeps every thing from season 1, 2, and 3 in the same wallet and becomes George Costanza. But before we leave Shoshana's room, we see that stupid fucking Keep Calm, Carry On poster. You live in New York Fucking City and you can't find a better graphic print to put on your wall? You could have got this hot shit from Pho Banc!!!


I would much rather hook up with a girl that had a poster saying VIETNAMESE HAMS ARE NOT FOR RESALE!!! on her wall. ESPECIALLY IF EVERYTHING ON HER WALL WAS IN CAPS.

Then we see Marnie: she has lunch, her boss name drops Tom Sachs (SUP HOMIE!), then she lays her off... then Marnie has lunch again with her mom. Man, white people RUN lunch. I can never get away with two lunches and I bet Childish Gambino never gets to have two lunches in one episode this season.

BUT IF YOU MOUTH BREATHERS PRE ORDER MY BOOK THEN I CAN GO ALL M.I.A., EAT TRUFFLE FRIES, AND HAVE 88 FUCKING LUNCHES THIS YEAR! PLEASE BELIEVE I WILL NEVER TELL YOU MY GOAL IN LIFE WAS TO BE A POOR SRI LANKAN REVOLUTIONARY. MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO EAT TRUFFLE FRIES WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES AND I WILL SHOW TRIBUTE TO MY RACE BY INSTAGRAMMING SAID LUNCH AND THEN YELPING THE RESTAURANT LIKE MY USER NAME IS TWINKLE-TOE-MSG888. YOU ALREADY KNOW: ELITE YELPER SINCE 2008 FUCK WHAT YA HEARD SHE'S AN EXPERT CAUSE SHE MAKES DUMPLINGS AT HOME AND HER BOYFRIEND SAYS THEY'RE DELICIOUS BEFORE HE GREEN TEA CREAM PIES HER AT NIGHT. #BADGUYSHIT

Marnie's Mom makes Marnie uncomfortable at lunch because she's all sexually liberated sleeping with cater waiters and shit. I hope NY Magazine asks this question: "Are Cater Waiters the New Nick Cannon?" I guess if I was an independent, sexually liberated, old bird that had money and thus no need to ever wash another man's wok... I would sleep with cater waiters and couriers from Kenan & Kel. #Feminism #ItsAlive



Poor Marnie... Her Mom's out there fucking any 21 year old with a stack of black napkins and shrimp cocktail, but she hasn't been mashed out since season 1. Lemme know if you wanna ride the Bang Bus, Marnie, I know people who know people.

Lena and Elijah decide to throw a house party. Nice way to just get every one together and tie up this set-up episode. I figure it's all downhill from here and BANG. The absolute best moment of Season 2 so far. Shoshanna air Dj'ing with a dixie cup on her ear and then Shoshanna karaoke'ing Sean Kingston "Beautiful Girls" to herself muttering "suiciiiidal, suuuuicidal".



"DAMN ALL THESE BEAUUUTIFUL GIRLS, THEY ONLY WANNA DO YOU DIRTY... THEY'LL HAVE YOU SUUUUICIDAL, SUICIDAL, WHEN THEY SAY ITS OOO-VER." - The GOD Sean Kingston

And it's at that moment with Sean Kingston dropping knowledge and Hanna dropping draws that I realize... Black dudes and The Kid Mero had it right all along!!! WE SHOULD ALL BE DATING UGLY WHITE WOMEN (mero wife fly FYI). They will hold pans for you to pee in, bring you food, pain killers, and buy you TVs from best buy WITH THE MOTHER FUCKING INSURANCE. I reminisced on all those high school mall dates where I tried to steal girls shit from piercing padoga and they were like "PANDA, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BUY IT." And I was all DMX like "WHAT? .. YOU BUY? ...WHAT? WHERE MY DOGS AT?... COME ON!"


YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE WHITE WOMEN? CAUSE THEY THE ONLY WOMEN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN STILL AFFORD TO BELIEVE IN LOVE AND I TAKE THEM TO THE FUCKING BANK. I LOVE ME A WHITE CHICK THAT LOOK LIKE A WALKING BODEGA HOT BAR. FUCK ME THEN PAY ME!


IM TAKING THE J/M/Z TO BUSHWICK RIGHT NOW TO FIND SOME UGLY FAKE BROKE ACTUALLY WEALTHY WHITE WOMEN! COME ON! X GON GIVE IT TO YOU!



P.S. this whole post is a lie, i bought my girl a dress from wang last week but u can't be mad, i was in the bang bus and ma didn't say anything... silence is an alexander wang dress: COME ON! ARF ARF ARF!