Monday, June 18, 2012

Girls Finale: WHAAAT?

Man, I was all ready to write this post about Girls and how there was an argument that it broke archetypes and the tenets of Joseph Campbell's The Hero with a Thousand Faces. That Hanna has a face unforeseen in a hero outside the Hunchback of Notre Dame or maybe the Elephant Man, but neither of those dudes had titties or sun dresses. Or, perhaps that Girls distills our generation and how only OUR heightened sense of awareness and self-consciousness could produce a show that has intentionally insufferable characters and heroes destined to fail. And lastly, maybe a reading of Girls as if it was Allegory i.e. Gift of the Magi. A cautionary tale about doing Brooklyn all wrong. But no, we got this "Evening with the Mind of Sofia Coppola Girls Finale" shit bomb that blew almost as bad as that Godfather that never happened.

Instead of recap-ing every thing that wasn't, I'm going to tell you what SHOULD have happened.

1) Booth Jonathon should have re-appeared, jumped out of a cake, face smashed Marnie, and turned her out. THEN, she should realize love's got nothing to do with it, free the caged bird, and unleash her pussy vapors on Coney Island. Notice I said VAPORS. Just the vapors. Yall are powerful until we touch it, but once we touch it, it's OVER. You couldn't sell that shit at the .99 store. It's all about the long con (yes, baby, I borrowed that). Just the vapors until you get paid, boo, you feel me?

Marnie also needed new clothes in the finale. She's not nearly as powerful in her Bar Mitzvah get-ups as she would be in some Isabel Marants. Then again, all you shawties buying Steve Madden knock-offs is dropping the stock on sneaker heels like it's Facebook. STOP FRONTIN. I like those shoes, don't ruin it. You broke; buy Coach.

2) Shoshana should have taken things into her own hands. Why is she so honest? She should pop her own cherry on some really ridiculous shit like sitting on a bong until it bleeds. Has she not realized no one wants the weight of virginity on their hands? When will you women realize you don't need men? You just need the BLUEPRINT (read: cake batter) and Hov already gave you that. Yall have the huge advantage of sex toys. I don't think there is a respectable man on the planet that derives joy from latex pussies, but you all are quite pleased with the electronic dill piece. Why are people at Brooklyn Flea not packaging Brooklyn Artisan Dildos in McClure's Jars? TARGET MARKET. The sooner you LADIES take 2Pac to heart the better: "They say pussy and paper is poetry power and pistols".

3) Jessa, Jessa, Jessa, you disappoint me. I had high hopes for you and your free spirit, but you traded it in for exactly what we expect girls like you to... Some sort of traveling Junior International Businessman (what up WESC?) who screams like a 5 year old when not included in the threesome. And that's when I realized... the only part of the finale that works is Jessa getting married. It's a horrible decision and that's what these Girls are supposed to do. The viewers are the wise men and women learning from the Kim Jongs fumbling and fucking it all up. Through the show, people are forced to see the folly of their own lives in the characters. For idiots, it's excruciating, enlightening, and sobering all at the same time.

This is the genius of Girls. Narrative imitates reality to the core and not just any reality, that unbearable privileged white reality that we know exist but to this date no one has allowed us to sit and enjoy. The heroes don't transcend, they're average, shitty, humans making horrible decisions despite having advantages others don't. Which is why the exclusion of ethnic minorities in the show is GENIUS and flattering though probably undeserved for all the Pandas in cubicles. It's allegorical yet enjoyable because the mishaps are so explosive.

But, just for my own personal suture cause I love Jessa. I was hoping she'd eat bath salts during the party and then devour Jr. International Businessman's face, but that, although enjoyable, would still be suture.

4) Hanna. This was the most egregious ending in terms of viewer pleasure. Hanna won. She HAD HER CAKE AND ATE IT TOO. Hanna should have gotten run over by a Pat Lafrieda truck while gloating about her win. That would have been awesome. And then Adam would have peed on her and turned her into a drug mule for Killa Season 2.

Props to Dunham for turning Breakfast at Tiffany's on its head with the whole "scared" thing and then bailing instead of going back to Adam. Dunham and Adam forced Hanna into victory and it was a strong move. In response to Adam's question, yes homie, this is the game... Yet, in the world of Girls is Hanna supposed to win? Isn't the point that these girls lose? I love how complicated this show is...

5) Why is Angry Boys not on HBO Go? This bothers me. I miss Gay Style Skating and S'mouse.