Tuesday, September 7, 2010
5 things FOOD needs
So, someone showed me this video recently. Its better than the time I ironed frozen chimichangas at a bachelor party and called myself an Iron Chef. True story. Watch the video... a minute in ur like, "is this girl making a cake with a cake? ... like she bought a angel food dutch, gutted it, stuffed it with sprinkles and called it a kwanzaa blunt?" Yes, Kwanzaa blunt FTW.
I know the video's from 2008, but I wasn't watching food network pre-death of rap city so bear wit me. The shit was so amazing it inspired me to make a list of things that the game needs. I mean, Sandra Lee is #1 with a bullet, but let's take her out of the equation cause we don't want to crush the competition like that. Kwanzaa Cake has the "greatest things to happen to the food game" on smash. Ima treat Sandra like a dead rapper, make a top 10 list without her....
5) Anything But French Schools - I don't know how culinary school works, but I do know that every cook I interview and went to school says that they were "french trained". They then proceed to put butter in all my recipes and fuck the shit up. There has to be another way..... But yea, because I know that someone will misquote me... I 'll say this. French is dope, I just think some diversity wouldn't hurt. Modern doesn't equal Western... all I'm sayin.
I can't wait till Charles Oakley opens a Cooking School next to his car wash (http://www.yelp.com/biz/oakleys-carwash-brooklyn) and students come to me saying "I'm Brooklyn trained." HIRED.
4) Young, Of Color, or Crunk Reviewers - This has gotten better in recent years. The homie Sam Sifton tweeted he had 8 .38s today, Ligaya Mishan is Filipino I believe, do you even need to ask why I fux wit the Times? BUT, its not enough... Jenny 8. Lee, is it too much to ask for you to become a food critic? Haha. Or even Kenny Powerz, Bill Simmons, or Al Bundy, they would kill it as food critics. "You have food like a dickhead." - Kenny Powerz
3) Duane Reade to Table Restaurants - This is the movement! Fuck locavore. I want that high fructovore shit. Cheeto Fried Chicken, Gummy Bear Casserole, Shaved Frozen Laffy Taffy on Lychees. Ohhh, that laffy taffy, that laffy taffy.... RIP Duane Reade, shopping for ingredients won't be the same without you.
2) Asian Chefs x Ass Parade - Collabing with fashion night out is gonna be dope, but I'd rather collab with the internets' finest. Morimoto x Kelly Divine? How funny would it be to see this mother fucker roll up w/ Kelly Divine to the James Beard Awards? Someone with photoshop make this happen. Michael Bao x Alexis Texas. Me x Brianna Love. It was meant to be baby girl, don't fight the feelin...
1) Food Trucks on Dubs - Baohaus on Spinners. GAME OVER, it's the takeover... Chef Hugh, can we put the bus on sprewells and roll out to "off the grid" the right way? If I rode down to SF on spinners, shit would be over before it started.