Wednesday, December 29, 2010

New Year's Resolutions...

So, all the end of the year lists have been coming out... and of course, we're making all sorts of lists for four loko...

It's my own doing, it's funny, but I hope we can put it to bed in 2010... I had no idea the shit would get that big and I want to get back to just cooking. I think I started off 2010 really well and then shit the bed late. My New Year's Resolution for 2011 is to be the best $10 Chinese Chef in NYC. We did it with $4 (thanks NYT), but now I want to offer the best food in the city for $10. We shootin... No one is gonna fuck with the kid in that price range. If a dime bag is sold in the park, I want in. I'm gonna be a fucking chef. I don't exactly know what it means... I don't know if I need to buy a coat with monogramed shit on it or partake in pre fixe masturbation by combining exotic ingredients that don't belong together or buy some knives besides a cleaver, but here's the plan and also some pics of what's been going down....

Starting Jan 17th, every Monday at Baohaus, I'm going to do $10 TV Dinners. I want to "cover" the classics. Things your parents and grandparents talk about like they're Bigfoot. Chinese parents love talking about those Bigfoot dishes that just get away from them. One place in town made it, no one ever figured it out, and then they never got it again. Motherfuckers, I'm here. The spaceship has landed. All that shit the game's been missing I brought back from the future. Feel free to leave suggestions of things you want. Don't say, things like "abalone" or "golden retriever" cause that shit is real expensive and it doesn't fit the $10 concept, but def let me know what's for dinner. Sam was right and korean grilled cheese wasn't the look, but yall know I murder the classics: hainan chicken, zha jiang mien, potstickers, momma jokes, come on now... It took me 2 months to figure out the next move, here it is.

For 52 weeks, I'm going to do 3 different items every single week on Mondays. For instance, tonight, I made Dong Po Roh, Mapo Tofu, and Sauteed Greens. You would get that for $10. Once it's been made, it's gone. Bigfoot shit, so don't miss a week. Or you can wait till I drop the cookbook, but if you buy my cookbook you should probably get your money back (thanks cara) cause I would definitely fuck you up by leaving shit out or tell you to put your foot in the brine or dick in the mashed potatoes for extra flavor. I can't give you the whole playbook on the first date for $20. I'm a soft cover, make you wait, sensitive mother fucker and I need attention. 52 times a year. And, shawty, I need you to keep those boots on. But my food game is strong and you will love me like you've never loved a Chinaman before:
I went back to the well and made some Dong Po Roh with my favorite cut of meat: Pork Belly. It's a famous Huangzhou dish created by Dong Po but people in Shanghai do it real well too. Dong Po's kinda like your boy. Got in a lot of trouble, got banished, and perfected red cooking pork belly. I mean, son, LOOK AT THE COLOR I got on that skin! It's redder than the eye of thundera and it's au-naturale. No coloring.
I also made scratch Ma Po Tofu. Like, I made the chili oil myself last week and then dropped a fucking heat rock today. Classic Szechuan shit. Still my favorite way to eat silken tofu. A lot of people make it with firm tofu, but I like to scoop it up, crush it and mix it with vegetables, rice, and eat it with miller high life. YOU GET ALL 3 of these in a large takeout box for $10:

Every Monday from 11:30am to 11pm, starting Jan 17th, dine-in, take-out, delivery, you can get one of those chinese takeout boxes with 3 segments filled with a meat on rice and 2 sides for $10. I'm the only one that will be cooking, it won't be like xiao ye where i'm stuck doing other things besides cooking, this is all I'll be doing... COOKING, COOKING, and SMOKING... I mean, I cook and smoke the other days, but I have to feed the birds so Mondays it is... One started chirpin too much today so I cooked that bitch...

Head game and all. I brined her, I stuffed her, I fried her, then I braised her... 
8 Treasure Glutinous Rice Stuffing. I got a better photo when I get back to NY. This is all off Evan's Iphone cause I left my sony cord in el segundo.
Oh yea... in other news, I got a flat top griddle and a .40 cal glock wit lasers for christmas. So poontang potstickers for $3 in effect from mid-January till infinity at Baohaus as well. Yes, the lasers make it taste better. Peace to Charles Schumer and the rest of the homies in Albany. Pops says I should apologize cause "I don't want no trouble". For the record, I stay loving white people. Especially white people with mad power who can throw me in the box. You took the restaurant, we cool, leave my brother out of that SLA case, he got nuttin to do with it, we not tryin' to go out like the Pescis in Casino. But for the rest of you biscuits out there... Who else wanna fuck wit Hollywood Court? Dunna, dunt, dunt, dunt, Dunna, dunt, dunt, dunt, Dunna, dunt, dunt dunt....


  1. Hahaha, golden retriever!

    How about 烤鵝? I haven't had that since I was in Nanjing back in the 80s. Or 旺鸡蛋. Haven't had that since the mid-80s either!

  2. you right... hollywood court... MY BAD

  3. Eddie's bringing "bien dong" back. Epic.

  4. dat outk drip was da shit. been hittin dat up daily.

  5. I love eating your food and reading your shit. Fucking awesome. You're like the Kool Keith of the restaurant world. Keep doing what you're doing, Doc Octagon.