MONICA MONROE

I STARTED THIS LINE MONICA MONROE FEATURING VERSATILE FABRICS FOR SAVAGE MEN TRYIN TO SPREAD BENIGN HPV. MY INSPIRATION FOR THE LINE IS THAT PEOPLE ARE SO INDISCRIMINATE WHEN TALKING ABOUT HPV. THEY SO RECKLESS LIKE "HPV CAUSES CANCER". NO IT DOESN'T. MY PARTICULAR BRAND OF HPV IS ETHEREAL LIKE ROSE WATER. SO I DESIGNED A LOT OF CLOTHES THAT I WOULD WEAR ON DATES WITH WOMEN I FEEL ARE CONNOISSEURS OF HPV LIKE PEG BUNDY, FRAN DRESCHER, SUZANNE SOMMERS FROM STEP BY STEP, MONICA LEWINSKY, MARILYN MONROE, AND ROBIN GIVENS, UNIVERSALLY KNOWN AS THE FOREMOST EXPERT ON BENIGN HPV STRAINS. SHE LIKE THE WINE SPECTATOR OF BENIGN HPV... YEA, YEA, THAT'S 99 POINTS RIGHT 'CHERE. I SEEN HER WALK OUTTA THE FOREST AT A BBQ ONCE AND WAS LIKE "I DETECT HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK. THAT HPV WAS SLAMMIN."

RIGHT NOW WE ARE TRYING TO GET THESE VERSATILE FABRICS INTO ROSS, BUT THEY BE HATIN CAUSE TOO MANY TAIWANESE PEOPLE MAKE CLOTHES RIGHT NOW. THEY SAID I SHOULD HOLLER AT TJ MAX, BUT I WAS LIKE, YO, HOV DEADED TJ MAX WITH 3 KINGS. HOPEFULLY IF ENOUGH OF YOU NINJAS ASK FOR MONICA MONROE AT ROSS, MY DREAMS WILL COME TRUE. I'M JUST A SQUIRREL IN THIS WORLD TRYNA DESIGN CLOTHES FOR IDEAL MEN LIKE AL BUNDY, FLAMA BLANCA, THE DUDE, AND GRIMACE FROM MCDONALD'S. I WOULD LOVE TO DRESS GRIMACE FROM MCDONALD'S. HIS SKIN TONE IS PERFECT FOR 3-WAY STRETCH SPANDEX SNAKESKIN. EGGPLANT IS THE NEW BLACK MOTHER FUCKERS.

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO ABOUT MY DREAMS AND AMBITIONS. HERE IS THE MONICA MONROE SPRING 2014 LOOKBOOK FEATURING FAT JEW, MIKAELA WILLIE, ZEREN LONDAH, AND JR ALBA. IT WAS SHOT BY THE GORGEOUS JON SNYDER. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND JON SNYDER PHOTOGRAPHY. HE HAS CHANGED MY ENTIRE OPINION OF PHOTOGRAPHY, FASHION, WHITE PEOPLE, AND PORTLAND. NOT PORTLAND, OREGON, BUT PORTLAND, MAINE. IT'S DEFINITELY THE BETTER PORTLAND.

LOOK AT THIS SCRUMPTIOUS GENTLEMAN DRESSED LIKE HOBBES

CIARA "RIDE" THE REMIX

YEA, YEA, JUST LIKE THAT BEATLES SONG HE WANNA HOLD UR HAND BOO

DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN

MY PHONE DIRTY, MY BALLS CLEAN, IM BOWLIN DIRTY, BUT HPV CLEAN

WHAT UP JR AND ZEREN FROM BAOHAUS!

AMURRICA, BACK 2 BACK CHAMPS

ZEREN GOT BEAUTIFUL HANDS. ROB RYAN TRIED TO MAKE VIDEOS OF THEM.

JESUS BOWLS! JESUS BOWLS WITH ME, WITH ME, WITH ME!

OOOoooOOOO KILL EM

FOR THIS PHOTO WE TOLD THE KING OF BRUNCH TO ACK LIKE HE JUST TOUCHED SOME KID'S GOODIES AND HE WAS LIKE "YOU WANT THAT SENSE MEMORY FLOW?" AND THEN HE GAVE US STATUTORY STEEL. DUDE IS A FUCKING MAESTRO WITH THE PEDOPHILE SENSE MEMORY.

WHAT IT DO?

I have neglected this blog for a minute, but sometimes it's the right place at the right time.

There's a lot of things I want to address on Fresh Off the Boat, but because it's a short format video, the issues we take on leak over sometimes. We did our best this episode and I'm happy, but I wanted to hit on a few things in case they don't come clear. I mean, it's thanksgiving, make sure the juice runs clear.

When we were in Russia, I couldn't hear what the guests were saying on the side when I was eating hot dogs, drinking vodka, or hanging with Philochko. People will smile to your face, play along, and put on a show when cameras are out. That's what we try not to show you. We would never waste your time on an act. Yet, we almost got caught this time. The "actors" in part 1 of Moscow were really good, but the GOD Christopher Velona had the audio rolling and it opened our eyes.

It was one of the first times we got back in the edit, saw footage and then had fundamental changes in how we viewed the trip. When I heard what they were saying on the hot mic, I couldn't let it go. The shit they were saying about Philochko was that insidious racism that you hear at house parties, "amongst friends", or in locker rooms. That bullshit that people think is OK, but it's not. We usually are very courteous to guests and make sure to represent their views unadulterated and as they see it. We are there to capture their perspective, but this time it didn't match up. The things they told us about themselves and their country could not be reconciled with the things they said to each other when they were off camera and I chose not to protect them. That ignorance doesn't deserve protection because because it shouldn't fucking exist.

But, I wanted to be responsible. I met a lot of people who didn't smile in Russia, but I met a lot of people who did. I met people who were racist towards African-Americans and derogatory towards gays, but there were people who weren't. Moscow is like any other place and we can't let the bad apples give us a skewed picture. Was it at times a sad place? Absolutely. But there were really good fucking people and I wanted to make sure that a clandestine conversation caught on a hot mic didn't disproportionately represent the city.

Yet, we have to show it. We don't enjoy it, we don't indulge in it, and I really don't address it in the summation because it's not a complex issue. It's wrong. There's nothing else to it. There is no way to shashlik that shit besides understanding its wrong. Now, Philochko was a victim of racism on the show and in Russia. People say sideways shit about him all day, but I wanted to also address how he's part of the problem. American racism is a unique brand, ebonics is in many ways a regional dialect, and you can't just transport the African-American experience like it's stoli and tell people to mix it with soda. This shit is MUCH deeper than rap and it's something I know I'll never fully understand because I did not live it. But I know enough to say that you shouldn't enable people to use the n-word and appropriate ebonics for comedic purposes. It's a huge tangled web and people have addressed the n-word in crucibles much hotter than Fresh Off the Boat. We didn't go to Moscow looking to address it, but it found us and we did. Sometimes a story finds you and you do the best you can. Happy thanksgiving mother fuckers.

Me & Scalia Down By the Police Station

I have never, ever, ever in my entire life cheered for Reggie Miller, enjoyed an Incubus song, or agreed with Justice Antonin Scalia. Reading cases as a Cardozo student at the Innocence Project, I frequently thought about sewing Scalia's bunghole closed and then feeding him copies of the Bush v. Gore decision until he pooped recycled paper through his nose. Son is constantly justifying decisions by looking at his stupid WWFFD (What Would Founding Fathers Do) friendship bracelet, but fuck my life sideways in the ear with Monsanto Corn because I finally agree with him today regarding Maryland v. King...

This is a CRIMINAL PROCEDURE case weighing the public benefit of solving cold cases vs. your constitutional 4th amendment rights guarding against search and seizure. We all want cold cases solved, but at what cost to society and your individual rights? This isn't just swabbing your cheek. This decision is saying that without a warrant, without a conviction, and merely probable cause for a felony arrest that the government can take my genetic blueprint and put it in a database. Justice Kennedy kept talking about how a DNA swab is like finger printing, how it can be used to identify the person in question at the station, and without even addressing how ridiculous that notion is considering that it takes months to upload DNA evidence to a database; let's address another one of his "notions" i.e. the practicalities of law enforcement today.

Doggy, I'ma tell you about the PRACTICALITIES OF OUR GOVERNMENT. Over the weekend, someone stole the letter grade off the door of Baohaus. So, Evan went down to the DOH to get another letter grade to post. You know what they told us after waiting for 3 hours? "We looked all over but we can't find the box with the letter grades right now." THESE MOTHER FUCKERS CAN'T PROPERLY LABEL AND STORE LETTER GRADES FOR RESTAURANTS! We're supposed to trust them with our DNA? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! My DNA is gonna end up on World Star and not because I threw a milkshake on the screen watching TWERK FAILS but because of GOVERNMENT FAIL.

Not To Be Sold

Sup Based Fobs... It's been a minute since I wrote on this blog but we back. I gave this talk in Melbourne at #Carbon13 yesterday. I'm not an expert on the economy. I'm just a dude that reads the NYT, watches Rachel Maddow, Alex Wagner, reads Franco Berardi, and fux with Jon Stewart. This is all shit that's readily available and full of knowledge darts. But watching the news the last year, I started getting the same exact feeling I had in law school all over again. It's useless to complain about our representatives or put my hope into some dudes who are too pussy to resist lobbyists, private interests, and the machine. We don't enact laws that need to be enacted because of private interests and filibusters. Then when we do enact half-assed laws with blunt instruments, those laws aren't equally administered. There are even fools trying to rig the NYC Mayoral election over meatballs in the Bronx.

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We can only trust ourselves because all these representatives are for sale. Yet, that sentiment leaves us with fear. We don't want the responsibility because duty without a way out makes you feel powerless. The tax code in 2011 had 72,000+ pages. HOW DO YOU GRAPPLE WITH THAT? You kind of can't, but I want people to know... Despite the mountain of fucking wizardry these assholes have cast over our political system, we can make a difference. We've seen it with kickstarter, reddit, wikileaks, digital gravel, baohaus, and any other grassroots movement that used their platform to do something about the way our world is headed.

We are the future and we got to get this shit right. I can't sit here and crack jokes about roors and bang bus like shit is sweet. If our country keeps heading the way it is, there may not be a bang bus and I'm just not ready for that life. Am I really just a narcissist, cause I wake up to vids of Ava's tits?

(if hyperlink doesn't work above here it is from FORBES)

(This is link for video from ABC Nightline)

TED TALK LEAKED

THANK YOU @TEDLEAKS on @YOUTUBE

Thank You Based FOBs

JADA, WE MADE IT.



(apologies to every one for Chef Creole's Swag Shirt and constant use of "baby" but trust he a good dude despite the axe body spray vibrations)

1 season, 5 episodes, 15 parts... THANK YOU BASED FOBs FA YO SUPPORT.

It means a lot that yall rode for a show that didn't rely on food porn, voice over, celebrity guests, and the constant proliferation of dominant cultural beliefs. You watched a man slaughter a rabbit. You watched sex workers. You watched betel nut girls. You watched a short, fat, chinaman feed himself until he looked like a jeremy scott bao.

And all the while, you debated in the youtube comments about the issues. A lot of you just wanted to call people chiggers, but those people aside there was a lot of real conversation and it means the world that you mofuckers engaged the show. I hope you guys continue to engage this show and every thing else you see as well. The conversation is what we did it for.

I can tell a lot of you were receptive to flipping things like porn stars, stinky tofu, and food television on its head to see what the other side had to say. A lot of times we don't get the full picture from today's media but the internet is enabling us to actually tell the stories ourselves. To anyone who doesn't fuck with mainstream media and the news, you have no excuse. Get a camera, get your Pretty Indian Producer, get your Italian-Cuban Camera Crew, throw your boy from Santa Barbara into a 10 square foot ply wood edit suite, and tell the story yourself. We have the power to tell stories ourselves. Vice obviously paid for this show, but you can literally report on the things in your neighborhoods with one digital camera and a laptop. You have a duty to tell the world what's going on in your hood and counter the poison they're filling our brains with. No one is going to change the world for you. Do it for yourself.

Once again, thank you for your support, cop the book, and we'll see you for Season 2... Play my music bitch!

Jake Davis #ScreenTests

Peep my homie Jake Davis blog! This dude capture all the dramatic angles b. Aiiiiiiiiiiiite

GET A FREE BAO TOMORROW!

PRE ORDER HERE: https://ganxy.com/i/71174/eddie-huang/fresh-off-the-boat

ALSO, CHAR SIU BAO debuts tomorrow and you can get that as your free bao.