Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Too Expensive?



So... Everyone knows I got that fire. That butter soft. I don't step on my shit: all nautral, humanely raised and braised. Out O.T. people are droppin like flies puttin MSG and color treated chinatown meat in they systems. BUT, the stupid fiends don't see the dry mouth, headaches, and bodies droppin, they just see someone in another borough with baos for less. They all, "Ayo E, your shit is the jump, but mad expensive." And I'm like SON, this is Niman Ranch Custard no borax, no b-12, no soda. The fuck you want? I'm the other guy that got your mother high. Buns like an emperor, I make geishas cry. (assist from killah)

I really want to smack people who say its too expensive at Baohaus. I remember when Chinamen and Women were EMBARRASSED to not have money. The good ol days when the gremlin keepers fought over who paid the bill and saved money by getting haircuts in bathtubs with noodle bowls. They just don't make us like they used to. My model has obviously been retired cause I don't complain that something is $1 more. Huang Model #1689 put the jersey in the rafters next to Yao Ming Model #11.

Let's do a pros and cons between me and smack your favorite wack chinatown dump.


Chinatown Pros

Its Cheap
More trains in the area (N, Q, 4, 5, etc)
They serve scorpion bowls without a liquor license (BOSS)
You get fortune cookies
The waitresses are easy

CONS

You probably just supported terrorism aka falun gong
You just supported the slaughter of pigs raised in cages that were fed their own doodies
And you will have diarrhea in t-minus 10 seconds (PRO: your jeans will look like circa '98 diesel destroyed joints so that's kinda cool)
You are most likely supporting sweatshop type hours
You are eating in a god damn tourist trap, the Taiwanese are in flushing...


Baohaus Pros

It tastes better
All natural, humanely raised meat
Sarah just posted the no pigeons video on my facebook
Victoria just told a customer she could sell ice to an eskimo
We serve people with no pants on as long as they wear ice cream gloves when ordering
We got co-signed by the motherland (TVBS)
You are supporting people who say fuck the law, don't ask me for shit, everything you get you got to work HARD for it!


CONS

If you say anything on yelp, I will probably murk you
If you act like a retard, we will talk about you in our open kitchen
The alias owner next door sometimes throws plates at people


Last but not least..... ITS ALL A LIE. All the people who say you can get gua bao for cheaper in chinatown are FULL OF SHIT. That's the funniest thing. On yelp, on twitter, its always an Asian person saying it thinking that we won't pull their card. THERE IS NO GUA BAO PERIOD in CHINATOWN.

You know what Asians, its time to stop thinking you have credibility just cause your Asian. Every single person I have messaged or asked point blank where they can get a gua bao in chinatown they shut the fuck up. If you find one, then bring it over, eat it and tell me to my face its better and cheaper. In flushing, YES, temple snacks, 66, you can get it. And its not bad. Its not as good as ours, you save $1, and you have to take the 7-train. You have to be the only Asian who spelled their name wrong on the SAT if you think that's better value.

Oh yea.... and I just fed the streets with $1 green monster sandwiches that I made with Niman Ranch Bacon ends. I didn't even cover my costs. Its a gift from me to you, die hater.

10 comments:

  1. yeah ive never seen gua bao in chinatown either maybe they are thinking of prosperity dumplings

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  2. Fuck those ugly ass asian chicks with monkey tripods on Yelp. They just mad they got to pay for their own meal.

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  3. Good food costs money. If you dont want to pay, good. More baos for me and the rest of the world that has a couple of dimes to rub together.

    Seriously Eddie, your food is the shit! It is not too expensive, especially because it is some of the best food in the city!

    Quit your bitching. If you can run with the big dogs, don't get off the porch.

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  4. thanks for the support yall!!!!!

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  5. I'm an ABC local from around the corner and just gave your Chairman Bao a shot with my friend, who is a bonafide FOB Chinaman. I'll admit it I was taken aback by the price. But my Chinaman friend was aghast and boldly claimed that BaoHaus will not last 6 more months because he can get the same thing in Flushing for $1.

    Me on the otherhand, took notice of your use Niman Ranch meats, pork belly and ham-choy, all of which are close to my heart!

    Then I saw this blog post as well as the rest of your website (very impressive and BLUNT!). I have boldly taken my FOB friend's 6-month challenge and on 9/25/2010, he will owe me 14 of your Chairman Baos!

    Good luck and make me proud! See you in September (and most likely much sooner than that)

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  6. ey, Ey!

    You gonna eat 14 baos? cuz ya know, sharin's care'n.

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  7. Haha EY! I'm glad you got my back. I'ma make you money lol. Does the FOB read English? Show him the NYMAG article

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  8. Hell yeah I can eat those 14 baos! I can probably eat 100 of them! As for FOB, he reminds me of my parents! He sees the $ first and not much past it. I'm sure most 1st generation ABCs can relate to that. But I will show him the article as well as the rest of your press!

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  9. no joke, baohaus is my jam. it's everything i can do to stop myself from eating there every day. excellent article, couldn't agree more, and fuck the 7 train.

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  10. i'm gonna have to stop reading your blog until after lunch, because i'm hungry, ain't got no work to do and I'm all the way in Cali. FUUUUCK MEEE!!!!!

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