Cock Size and Cock Sauce

So, people always ask for hot sauce at the restaurant and I don't carry it. They ask why.... Because, if I was at home and tried to put hot sauce on my food, my mom would hit me on the hand with chopsticks. I'm glad she did because you can't taste food if you pour hot sauce all over it.

There's this idea amongst "foodies" that spicy = good. Or that eating spicy means you know food. Or that you have a giant penis. I don't know. I've never gone around measuring the penises of people who eat a lot of hot sauce, but I'm guessing there's more of a correlation between people eating hot sauce and needing proactiv than a correlation between cock size and cock sauce.

I'm not saying there are rules to the exact place and time to eat hot sauce, but definitely, on a pork belly or steak bun, I wouldn't use hot sauce. Now, with the Uncle Jesse (our tofu bun) I serve it with a sweet chili sauce I make myself. Its not that I don't like hot sauce, it just neutralizes all the flavors when you put it on the pork or steak bun. The reason why the buns are so good is because the notes are balanced. Believe it or not, we braise the pork/beef in a TON of chilis. But, its balanced with sweetness, ginger, soy, green onions, etc. We hit a lot of notes and if you fart a big mound of hot sauce onto it, all you hear is the fart.

When I see people put hot sauce on BBQ, I wild-out. If the bbq is the least bit good, there's no reason to be putting hot sauce on it unless its a spicy sauce that is meant to be used because it balances the rub. Maybe a chopped steak, fried chicken, fried okra, fine, but not your pulled pork or ribs.

BUT, for you hot sauce lovers, here's where I do like hot sauce on:

1) Banh Mi (i cant spell) - The small fresh jalapeno slices when cut the right size and balanced are awesome. They bring heat and balance out the light muskiness of cold meat in a very delicate way.

2) Tofu! - Tofu is a blank canvas. I love eating tofu in the raw with a very minimal savory broth or raw tofu with a dash of soy sauce, green onions, and thousand year old egg. BUT, a lot of times, adding hot sauce to tofu gives it that oomph that tofu naturally doesn't have. Tofu does have a nutty essence (pause) which does well with chili. One of the all-time great Chinese dishes is Ma Po Tofu. Killer!

3) Fried Food - Fried food is usually already very heavy, greasy, and one or two notes. It stands up to hot sauce.

4) Soup - soup is great spicy because again, like tofu, its a little bit of a blank canvas. Obviously its water based so you bring all the flavor to the table. Yookae Jong (korean beef stew, again, i cant spell), Beef Noodle Soup, Spicy Kalbi Tang, Tortilla soup, all do great with strong chili. BUT, I don't put sriracha in my Pho!!! Use the raw peppers!

5) Fish - I love szechuan fish. Again, a lighter meat, something that could use extra "body" or kick. River fish with spicy pork miso. Szechuan Water Cooked Chili Fish, amazing.

Some of my favorite hot sauces: XO Chili Sauce (dried shrimps, scallops, peanuts you know i love peanuts, and oily chili sauce), Chili Oil with crushed chilis (that old standby you see on every table, great with cantonese egg noodle dishes and beef noodle soup), Ha Ha Chili with beans, Chinese garlic chili chopped fresh and preserved in oil. I like the oil based sauces a lot more.

As for sriracha, i see it in people's houses all the time, on fancy menus in the 90s with "Sriracha mayonaise", gimme a break. Sriracha is so wack and played out. Its like Southeast Asian Tabasco. I love tabasco, but only because it makes cafeteria broccoli taste good (my mom used to always make me eat the broccoli on the blue plate specials at Morrison's.... all i wanted was the roast beef!!! stupid broccoli). Sriracha is coarse and I feel its more popular in America because it goes with coarse food like day old pizza and crappy burgers your friend burned while watching football. Sriracha makes burned food taste bearable because its equally unnecessary and heavy handed.