Wednesday, September 14, 2011

10 Resto Critic Commandments

I originally posted this in my sifton gong xi fa cai post, but it's a separate post and I just realized it 16 hours later. Awesome. I need an editor...

Sure... do it with class, do it with dignity, blah blah blah, but most importantly you better fucking know why all these bitches are ordering fish filet. #ThatShitCray. In fact, I'ma help out the next critic and drop knowledge like Polonius to Laertes. Or maybe more like BIG on Ten Crack Commandments since Polonius is basically the white Confucius and you know I can't stand that fool... So here goes:

1) Please be aware of what's going on outside the restaurant world. Preferably, watch some sports center, sucka free, game of thrones and spankwire. P.S. my shawties would also like you to watch gossip girl because Serena is like Sam Sifton for people with vaginas.

2) Be aware of every one's opinion, but don't be afraid to refuse service to certain masters. If you try to please chefs, restauranteurs, food hobbyists, the common man, and jenni from the block, you're going to fail. #BillCosby-ism Just do you. The Chef and the Critic are both artists. If you respect your mind, we will too. Define your era like Sifton did and serve those groups that you value. The rest aren't your problem.

3) Don't be a fan of chefs. We're your marks. Don't get it twisted.

4) I better be entertained - Please remember that writing should be entertaining. Sifton's writing was at times biting, sarcastic, ironic, witty, and certified hilarious. His style was overly figurative and I loved it. That was his shit. I hope that the next writer has a voice, a character, and understands that this is motion picture shit. #Vogue #Stunt #Smile

5) Spiderman Shit - You will be the most powerful dude in food, hands down. I talked to David at 456 Shanghai since his review, I mean, the guy can't believe it. I peeped the kitchen and he went from having one woman making soup dumplings to 5. Not only their fortunes, but all of Mott St. The people below Canal see now that customers want THE REAL. The co-owner Helen told me, "I knew something was up with this 'foreigner' when he ordered the eel. 'Foreigners' never order the eel." If people of color understand that the rest of America wants the real, they'll serve it up. I'm constantly tweeting about small restaurants like 456 or Cotan because if they win, we all do. People are going to go to The Dutch regardless, the reviews that really change the game are the ones like 456 or M. Wells. I mean, Sifton and M. Wells made the fucking G-Train relevant.

6) Embrace the Interwebs - Internet writing is different than print. I love the Diner's Journal previews to the print edition and I frequently like them more than the actual article. Don't forget to use internet gold like "hide your kids hide your wife" type shit. My favorite Sifton moment was when he linked "Popular Demand" on his Xiao Ye Diner's Journal post.

7) Just to follow up on that, the next critic needs to be the type of dude who eats at Obama Fried Chicken. Absolutely necessary.

8) Twitter - Not only do you need to murder it in Diner's Journal and print, but you better have that 150 character game on smash. That's how we get our news these days, accept it and fux wit it. He killed it on twitter.

9) Have fun and don't be precious. At the end of the day, it can't be that serious if you're putting it in your mouth (pause). Remember the greatest restaurant review of all time:

10) Know your shit, be factually correct, but don't be condescending. Unless you are being condescending to people who still think sushi is futuristic and Lavo is worth waiting in line for.