Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Me & Scalia Down By the Police Station

I have never, ever, ever in my entire life cheered for Reggie Miller, enjoyed an Incubus song, or agreed with Justice Antonin Scalia. Reading cases as a Cardozo student at the Innocence Project, I frequently thought about sewing Scalia's bunghole closed and then feeding him copies of the Bush v. Gore decision until he pooped recycled paper through his nose. Son is constantly justifying decisions by looking at his stupid WWFFD (What Would Founding Fathers Do) friendship bracelet, but fuck my life sideways in the ear with Monsanto Corn because I finally agree with him today regarding Maryland v. King...

This is a CRIMINAL PROCEDURE case weighing the public benefit of solving cold cases vs. your constitutional 4th amendment rights guarding against search and seizure. We all want cold cases solved, but at what cost to society and your individual rights? This isn't just swabbing your cheek. This decision is saying that without a warrant, without a conviction, and merely probable cause for a felony arrest that the government can take my genetic blueprint and put it in a database. Justice Kennedy kept talking about how a DNA swab is like finger printing, how it can be used to identify the person in question at the station, and without even addressing how ridiculous that notion is considering that it takes months to upload DNA evidence to a database; let's address another one of his "notions" i.e. the practicalities of law enforcement today.

Doggy, I'ma tell you about the PRACTICALITIES OF OUR GOVERNMENT. Over the weekend, someone stole the letter grade off the door of Baohaus. So, Evan went down to the DOH to get another letter grade to post. You know what they told us after waiting for 3 hours? "We looked all over but we can't find the box with the letter grades right now." THESE MOTHER FUCKERS CAN'T PROPERLY LABEL AND STORE LETTER GRADES FOR RESTAURANTS! We're supposed to trust them with our DNA? FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! My DNA is gonna end up on World Star and not because I threw a milkshake on the screen watching TWERK FAILS but because of GOVERNMENT FAIL.


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  2. Word up homie, that's a load of garbage. Our Constitution is crumbling man. Our rights, our freedoms, every fucking day it feels like more and more is being taking away from us. And so many stand idly by and do nothing.

    And yo, swab that spam right above my comment lol.

  3. I enjoyed your book and wanted to say that you have a universal message described in an honest, irreverent and, often, hilarious way. I wanted you to know that this white, now southern, woman had many good laughs and insights into a different culture.

  4. Please come to Portland, OR for a food tour. I love your shows on Vice and want to show you why we're the food cart capital of the world. aaronpolk87@gmail.com.

  5. American education is slipping for the worse. Our people are responsible for keeping our government in check and our people work for the government in government offices. If our people are dumb, our government offices will also be dumb. Check the shortfalls in third world country services. A lot of it is because of a gap of education between the policy makers/planners/owners and the actual workers. It is happening here now. What's your take on education? I went to public school and I'm a business owner. All my friends are sending their kids to private schools now. I think it is due to the lack of respect for education by American culture. All the Chinese/Taiwanese kids are killin it our public school systems. Have you ever been to UC Irvine, UCLA, or UC Berkeley? Almost all Asians.

  6. Read your book, got to think its a good thing you lived in Florida. If you lived up here in NYC you would've been just clowning, cause mad rotten bananas here and not because of racism. And you wouldn't have the fire you needed to be the real you.

  7. Fuck no. According to George fucking Church, Professor of fucking Health Sciences and fucking Technology at motherfucking MIT an entire fucking human genome can be sequenced in a matter of fucking weeks.

    A company named Oxford Nanopore (and they're not the only one, trust me) is developing a fucking method to drop that to HOURS. The argument "it takes months to upload DNA to a database, boo hoo, it's not practical" quickly becomes irrelevant in the face of an innovation like that. Kennedy probably doesn't realize it, but he's on the right track. The thing is, unless a national DNA database is established, how the fuck are they going to ID suspects? You need to be put in the system first in order to be identified by the system.

    Do I think the cops should be able to swoop on your fucking body or surreptitiously swab your dome to get a sample? Fuck no. They should have to get a warrant to collect any evidence if its going to be used in a criminal proceeding, particularly a felony. But what about establishing a database for identification purposes? Isn't that, essentially, what a birth certificate does?

    You whinge about your DNA ending up on the Internet like somebody gives a shit about your DNA being on the Internet. You don't want your DNA on the Internet? Fine, it's your decision. It's your private information. You should be able to opt in or opt out. Me, personally, I don't give a fuck. My DNA is on the fucking internet. Here, you can DL it yourself, it's just information. https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Bx-bXy7okLa6NjRjYzI2YjEtZDg5OC00NzIyLWEyZTktNGUyNmRkM2ViZGM3/edit?usp=sharing

    Any plebeian with even a rudimentary understanding of motherfucking genetics would fucking know that your fucking genome changes over time. It's called a fucking mutation, genius. There are beneficial mutations that confer new abilities - like resistance to fucking AIDS (see: C-C chemokine receptor type 5 delta 32) - and there are deleterious mutations that kill your body dead (eg. CANCER.) The point is - you aren't who you were, and you never fucking will be, because you're constantly changing. Hopefully you get better - but why be afraid that someone is going to take your fucking picture? Who gives a fuck about your fucking picture!? Are you THAT vain? Do you really think you're THAT important? Fuck no you're not. I call it the fucking Kanye West Effect. It's when someone get's BH because somebody took their picture. Why the fuck are you going to get bootyhurt that someone took your fucking picture when you broadcast your fucking face and voice to the world anyway? The idea that people will be able to fuck with YOU because they have your DNA is just bullshit. People can already fuck with you.

    Lastly … you use the disorganization of a police station not being able to find some restaurant letter grade with their inability to keep your (extremely valuable and apparently amazing) genetic information secure? Problem of induction much? There might be some (as in very few) distant parallels between your local police station's lack of being able to find the oh-so-important restaurant letter grades and a State or Federal agency keeping your DNA secure - but really? That's what you're going to base your fucking case on? The fucking speed at which they gave you a new letter grade?

    Huang: "Why the fuck couldn't you find the letter grades fast enough?"
    Policeman: "Sorry, it wasn't on our priority list, Mr. Huang. We're too busy dealing with RAPES, ROBBERIES, AND HOMICIDES. Sorry we couldn't find your LETTER GRADES fast enough."
    Huang: "I'm never trusting you with my DNA!"

    Fucking listen to yourself.

  8. Eddie you're hilarious, finally got around to buying your book, and as a Taiwanese-American that shit was poignant as fuck. One question: in FOTB you say you're a former libertarian. Might I ask why the change? In posts like these it seems your views of the state and corporatism conflict with anything the American right or left is dishing out.
    Keep it qq ;)

  9. I know you gots something to say about this: http://www.thenation.com/blog/175606/interns-civil-rights-org-say-they-were-fired-disrespecting-wal-mart#axzz2bXbXkh3O

    For three interns at the Organization for Chinese Americans, the largest Asian-American civil rights group in the country, a summer to learn about politics and advocacy ended abruptly with their dismissal two weeks ago.

    The interns say they had been critical of some of the organization’s partners, including Walmart, over the course of the summer. And when a video was posted on one of their personal social media accounts depicting the interns making a rude gesture at a Walmart logo, they were told to pack up their bags and leave the organization.

    The incident may shine light on the ways in which established civil rights organizations have fallen under influence of business interests. Large corporations—including McDonald’s, Sodexo, Wells Fargo and Walmart—forged close ties to leading civil rights groups with hefty donations. In the case of OCA, which was founded in 1971, some critics fear that these relationships have compromised the organization’s direction.

  10. Yo boss, great perspective. I think people are lacking foresight who say, "IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT". To that lack of thought, everything is important. If you can't keep track of something as SIMPLE as the appropriate symbols... Which, I believe, if restaurant owners use "Non-code" symbols they can be fined ca$h.... How in the world of logic can you imagine they can keep track of anything? "oh we didn't have the symbols? Still gonna fine ya boy, it aint up to code."

    Know anything about the IQ cap on cops? Not too smart now, you might get BORED of the work and decide to move on, "wasting tax money on your training". If that's not the stupidest thing possible, I don't know what is. "HEY YOU TOO SMART YOU MIGHT GET BORED NOPE NOPE NOPE." Sounds like someone doesn't want their chief job replaced.

    Secondly, really, our government is so broken, we have THOUSANDS OF TONS of nuclear waste just hanging out poisoning everyone, but Fukushima, is the worry? Yeah right, they're about to turn them back on. You think they know what's wrong? Haha. You're a comedian. Talk about a diversion so people don't think about how bad it is in their back-yard. Like open uranium mines and Hanford, WA. Their idea of when it's going to be **fully** cleaned, it might be.... (THIS IS THE SHIT HITTING THE FAN) 40 years, or longer. Please take into mind, the people managing the cleanup, are roughly 50-60 years old or older. So by the time they are dead and had another lifetime of salary... thanks to OUR TAX MONEY, we still have all the poison to clean up. Also, people who worked there and said "HEY WE HAVE DISCREPANCIES, THINGS ARE NOT AS THEY SEEM." Were immediately FIRED, and then STALKED. Spooky much? National security? More like security deposits.

    If you can't do the simple things, how can you expect to do the advanced things? Also, pursuing MURDERERS? Now that's a funny joke. 2 15 year old girls in Philadelphia murdered their friend and the cops didn't realize it for a YEAR. Really? Reallllly? Wake up. You're meat and they're the butcher, you're making them money, go back to work peon.








  11. Oh fuck no.

    Keeping track of [insert name of butthurt restaurant owner here]'s restaurant signs is not commensurate with fucking Fukushima. Not even fucking close. Not in a million fucking years - no. Stop now, do not pass go, do not collect $200. You're crazy as hell and dead wrong. Every fucking restaurant owner on the face of this fucking planet could be delayed 3 hours from getting their fucking restaurant signs and it would not even begin to fucking approach the impact that Fukushima or any of the other stories you cited have had on the fucking world.

    You (LOL) actually just tried to equate the mismanagement of Fukushima, and the lack of an immediate arrest in the murder of a 16 year old girl with son not being able to get his fucking restaurant signs fast enough. Be ashamed of yourself. I can see the interaction now … you approach Skylar Neese's parents at the funeral home …

    You: "I'm very sorry for your loss, I know how you must feel. I'm so angry with the system taking so long to produce results. "
    Skyler Neese's Parents: "Oh thank you, I'm sorry as well. Did the investigation of your daughter's murder take a long time as well?"
    You: "Nah, kid - they didn't produce dude's fucking restaurant cards fast enough when he wanted them, yo! Can you believe that?!"

    Every time something goes wrong in your life do you blame the world? Do you see the Holocaust in a red light, or Hiroshima in a long line?

    I'll say it again: problem of induction. You're beginning to enter the Glenn Beck Zone of Stupid and Insane - a place from which there is no return. I couldn't help but think of Beck's chop logic reading your response. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5befX3dlEs

    A couple quick responses:

    I'm familiar with the low IQ cops story - it's totally fucking unconstitutional and I hope it goes to a higher court for appeal.

    I live in Japan. They're not turning Fukushima back on. You're dumb.

    TEPCO needs to move the fuck over - they have no good ideas - storing the wastewater does nothing. We need to bioremediate NOW. It's called a radiotrophic fucking fungus. It's an extremophile. It eats radiation and shits inert matter.


  12. Hey Eddie, please return to the DMV (VA wuddup!) DC needs you and Baohaus to kick its ass. We're drowning in vanilla restaurants that cater to Capitol HIll types and lobbyists. We need some of that ill hip hop Taiwanese flava. I promise to be your personal chauffeur and take you down to Annandale for Korean karaoke. Xoxo

  13. Very funny, and a reasonable analysis. Thanks for the read, first time stopping by but I may again.

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