Thursday, February 16, 2012

Five Shawites Lin Needs to Yam It On

Now that our BOY is the most Linteresting man alive, I figured it was time to find him a shawty. My girl Elena said "I decided I'm gonna get born again so I can boo him up and miss of them tiger moms." Plus, I heard Kim Kardashian was trying to holla at the kid.

Yo, if you care about the Knicks, Taiwan, or General Tso's Chicken, you will KEEP KIM AWAY FROM LIN. Good luck finding any combo no5 if we all rioting cause Kim trying to put her stanky leg on Jeremy! That shit works on tofu, but not people: keep that rotten cabbage to yourself. Without any further ado, Five Shawites Lin Needs to Yam It On...

Vanessa Bryant

What better way to stunt on Kobe Bryant than to smash Miss Wasn't Shootin' In the Gym AND then spend Kobe's bread? Shawty got half! Let me hold somethin. Kobe is the most unlikeable athlete since the Russian from Rocky IV. Dudes don't like him, girls don't like him, his parents don't even like him, why else would they name him Kobe? That's some hateful shit to name your kid after a Japanese Steakhouse. That's like me naming my seed Outback.

The Mayo Jar Gripper

If only for this woman's superior genetics, Lin needs to dunk on this jump. I mean, PEEP GAME, shawty just swallowed a jar of mayo WITH HER A-S-S! Imagine what other talents she has. She might could swallow a basketball or make Lin a Vagina sombrero. He could just wear her on his head rollin' down Rivington St. going to the game from his brother's apartment.

Sarah Palin

Real talk, I prefer Lisa Ann to the original, BUT... Lin should hate smash Palin for what's she's done to us the last 4 years. She might be the only thing more evil than levamisole. Plus, Palin got pink nipples. Chinamen can't stay away from that crack. It calls us like "Careless Whispers" at karaoke. You try to find other songs, but that shit jumps out and attacks you all crazy like YOU WILL SING ABOUT THESE FEET THAT DONT DANCE RIGHT NOW SON. Lin would also be putting chlorine in the gene pool by giving her kids that can abacus, but won't trombone blow every dude with a pair of Bauers.

Chun Li

This would make Grandma Lin so happy. The question on every Taiwanese person over 50's mind is not how Jeremy will play, but whether he dates white women. Taiwanese Grandmas grip the shank every time some white woman interviews Jeremy Lin. He can't go the way of Bruce Lee or red pandas. They just don't make chinks like this anymore. Chun Li needs to wife him up. Even if he is runnin' around with the Mayo Jar chick on his head, he needs to come home to Chun Li, wear a v-neck, house sandals, and eat beef noodle soup. She'll have the keroppi toothbrush waiting for god.


COME ON! What Asian kid didn't want to wife Eve? She was on Ruff Ryders when Jin was there! For yall that weren't rockin with Planet Asia before Lin, it was Jin. Yea, I'm not kidding, it was that bad. We had no one on the squad besides Jin. The sad part is you know Jin never caught a whiff of shawty with Al Qaeda Jada and Styles trading off on Eve like

"Yea! In and out/back to back again..." - Styles
"The cocaine from spain, but the heroin is african..." - Jada

(That's how you make a Ruff Ryder sandwich.)

But when she wasn't giving lap dances in illadelph strip clubs or getting mashed out by D-Block, Eve was the HARDEST! Come on, she rocked prada suits and pushed the cadillac truck with her friends in the back. That's all anyone can ask for!


  1. You are a mad crazy genius. You're Doctor Octagon, Yellow Elvis, and Poppa Large all rolled up into one. I mean that all in the best possible way.

    Keep up the great writing, man. Your shit always makes my day.

  2. and most important, eVe light-skinneded

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